What Can You Now Do on Your Birthday?

Today I am older. It’s been a while now since I’ve been carded (thanks to facial hair), but were I to be, I’d point out I’m almost old enough to order 2 drinks at once! And YES, it definitely works that way. It’s the law.

In case you’re curious about YOUR next birthday milestone, here’s a list up to age 50 (it gets ridiculous after that). Which one(s) are you most looking forward to?

Justice Fatigue

Deleted Scenes and Should-Be-Deleted Scenes from Justice League

***SPOILER ALERT***     ***SPOILERS BELOW***

[Queen Hippolyta and the Amazons work on a construction project.]
MENALIPPE: My queen, the chamber shall be completed as scheduled. Only…
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA: …Yes?
MENALIPPE: Do you not think the Mother Box would be safer inside a, a fortress, instead of a round theatre?
HIPPOLYTA: It shall suffice.
VENELIA: My queen, or what about in a vault deep underground?
HIPPOLYTA: No, no, this circular room is best. With the Mother Box on this central pedestal, we can keep arrows aimed at it from all angles.
VENELIA: If we’re in a circle, all pointing arrows at the center…won’t we be shooting each other?
MENALIPPE: My queen, also, about the plan to not have doors…
HIPPOLYTA: You mean heavy stone walls which will drop once their support logs are smashed with hammers?
MENALIPPE: Yes. Are you sure you just don’t want to use hinges? On big metal doors…maybe attached to a fortress?
HIPPOLYTA: This is the only way.

White House Venns #1: Donald Trump, Jr.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/donald-trump-jr-was-told-campaign-meeting-would-be-with-russian-government-lawyer-according-to-emails/2017/07/11/70b957e2-664c-11e7-9928-22d00a47778f_story.html

http://www.latimes.com/politics/la-na-pol-trump-russians-20170710-story.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/donald-trump-jr-stumbled-while-trying-to-make-a-mark-in-the-business-world/2017/02/04/363ce654-d84b-11e6-b8b2-cb5164beba6b_story.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/21/business/north-charleston-donald-trump.html

On the Nature of Progress

So our path to progress is two steps forward, five steps back. Nevertheless, we must continue to push the overall curve up and up, my friends.

Oh, and by the way: this is actually a graph of global temperatures from 1920 to 2016—the red dot at upper right is us now. Ha! Ha! We’re FUCKED.

[Global Mean Surface Temperature (January–June) from NASA GISTEMP; vertical range shown is approx. 1.5ºC; link here.]

Everyone’s Favorite Bullsh*t Song About Japan!

YorkSpace Library

Four of six members of the Au Brothers Jazz Band are of at least half Japanese descent. Yet—and this may wrinkle a few brows—one of their favorite songs to perform is Harry Warren and Mort Dixon’s 1928 hit “Nagasaki,” or, as I like to call it, everyone’s favorite bullshit song about Japan! (Plug: I should mention that the Au Brothers recorded the song on their forthcoming album—more info here.)

For those of you not yet wrinkling your brows: Surprise!—“Nagasaki” contains some lyrics that are frankly cringe-inducingly offensive. Forget politically incorrect: these are OMFG incorrect.

With sweet kimoner, I pulled a boner, I kept it up at high speed. I got rheumatics, and then sciatics, halitosis, that’s guaranteed. […] Not too gentle and not too rough, but you’ve got to tell them when you’ve had enough

So how can anyone perform this song in good conscience, in this day and age? More to the point: how can a band with so many Japanese Americans not only perform, but SING this song, and repeatedly, with gusto and glee?

The answer, as with so many real-life things, is: it’s complicated.

Damaging Books For Impressionable Children

Don’t look for these at your local bookstore… 

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after Hauman & Hauman

The Little Engine That Could But Wouldn’t

“I carry the likes of you? Indeed not!”
 
How sad all the dolls and toys felt!
 
“I won’t pull the likes of you!”
 
And the dolls and toys were ready to cry.

Introducing DeepDream Architect

Sleeping Beauty has awakened. (source)
GoogleNet Places205, inception_4b/pool_proj, 10 iterations, 10 octaves, scale 1.2

Google’s DeepDream has been called “dazzling, druggy, and creepy” (Slate), “weirdly mesmering” (Wired UK), and “utterly psychedelic and surreal […] Lovecraftian nightmare fuel” (Le Bonbon). One month after Google Research loosed their creation on the world, this artificially intelligent image recognition-turned-generation neural net has turned vast swaths of the internet into dark, globulous, glistening nests of hairy eyes and alien dog-worm larvae. Techies and laymen alike have now used DeepDream to profane everything from pizza and presidents to, unsurprisingly, porn. (Also, ahem, brass instruments—see previous post.)

But even AI needs a break from puppyslugs. What else can it do? Well, as of mid-July, various incarnations of DeepDream have been specifically trained on images of flowers (8,000), faces (27,000), cars (137,000), and, oh, ~2.5 million images of PLACES.

Bingo. DeepDream’s new job: ARCHITECT.

PSA Venn Diagrams

Well, it’s time again for another installment of visual aids!—this time, Venn Diagrams for the benefit of the General Public. Yes, through the exciting drama of circles that do and do not overlap, we will find the beginnings of true wisdom.


[UPDATE: a response to the ‘being a better person & musician’ diagram has now been posted at http://pwuth.blogspot.com/2015/08/better-person-better-musician-responses.html!]

Let’s start simple:

White ‘chocolate’ is not chocolate at all. It does not contain any cocoa solids. It may have cocoa butter, but then again, so do your chapstick and body lotion. NOT CHOCOLATE.

The Most Interesting InstaGirl (N)Ever

ShopInstall may be the most interesting girl ever on Instagram, with 74 official hobbies, including cryptography, ghost-hunting, and balancing rocks (and you thought YOU were interesting).

How, and why, do I know this?

It began, as so many things do, with a simple question: what do young people do for fun nowadays? Let’s look up my most recent followers on Instagram and check out what they’re talking about.

Chocolate For Every Kind of Mom

The world is a fountain overflowing with chocolate diversity. In order to pick juuust the right one for YOUR mother, simply answer the following questions:

	How busy is your mother?
A	Not at all, apparently, because she calls me every few hours, every day.
B	Kinda-sorta. Busy, but she had time to re-read the entire Harry Potter series.
C	Extremely. She's so busy doing things for me and others that sometimes she forgets to breathe.

If you answered C, then we recommend: Vosges Exotic Chocolate Bar!
Comes complete with a 5-Step Guide, including that crucial first step you don't want your mom to forget: breathing!

The (Robot) Love Doctor is ON

...In which 7-year-old Timmy seeks love advice from Artificially Intelligent Chatbots, including Jenny, Cleverbot, Santa Bot, Brain Bot, Cindy, Captain Kirk, Einstein, Dog Bot, Francois, Mitsuku, and Splotchy.

Top 10 Ways to Fuck Up Thanksgiving

Giving Thanks, Part II (Part I)
Sail across the seas, meet native peoples, lie, steal land, plunder and pillage, desecrate women and children, decimate animal populations that have coexisted in delicate balance for centuries, pollute earth and sky and water, generally destroy whole ways of life.

Decline supping at the table in favor of efficiency! Scrape all the food and liquid from your plate into the blender, and prepare your very own "It's All Gonna Mix Together in Your Stomach Anyway" holiday shake. Plop down to watch football or some shit like that and never have to move again! (Note: make sure your straw is jumbo-size, and not a crazy straw. Meat tends to get backed up in the curves.)

Speaking of football, find a recording of last year's holiday game. At each crucial moment in the game, replace ten seconds of game footage with a commercial for laxatives or fiber cereals. Play from the beginning, hide all the remotes, and insist "there must be something wrong at the station." After the third commercial, stand up, saying "That reminds me," and head for the bathroom.

Disturbing Patterns

Slow down. Take it easy! Take time to smell the flowers. Smile! Look at the clouds! Don't miss the forest for the trees. In today's world, it isn't surprising we have so many disposable phrases that are essentially variations of: wake up from your stupor and look the fuck around you (this means you, tourist with face buried in map, friend obsessed with cell phone, guy sexting and driving). When we do emerge from our cyber- or other-cocoons, what we notice can range from the mundane to the highly amazing or disturbing, depending on the depth and breadth of our attention. Focused attention over time, in particular, can lead to the awareness of large trends.

For example, now, as I'm writing this, it's Wednesday. As I type, I notice Wednesday has two Es in it. Yesterday, Tuesday had only one E. Then, thinking back, Monday had none. Do you realize what is going on here? If I were a beast, even a domesticated animal, I might wait around to see what comes next, but as an intelligent human being, I can forecast and learn - I can use what I've seen before, recognize the trend, and extrapolate the future! What comes next? Obviously the day with three Es!

(click any picture to enlarge)

Clearly, this is a case of pure linear growth. 0, 1, 2, and next, tomorrow must have 3 Es. Theeresday? The day after that, which I've heard typically pronounced 'Fry Day' must be spelled with four Es: Freeeeday, Freedaeey, or perhaps Feereeday. Although I've heard talk of 'Satyr Day' and 'Sun Day' following Feereeday, I'm not really sure how to spell those with 5 and 6 Es respectively. No doubt some of you readers have had more schooling than me and will be able to offer corrections.

Comics by 9-Year-Olds: Morph Man is Not Funny

by Gordon

The inaugural Comic by 9-Year-Olds, The Adventures of Robotron, could be called a work of a pure stage of childhood - untainted wonder, action, desperation, sci-fi grandeur, or at least the imitation of all that. Whereas The Amazing Adventure of Morph Man, which followed by perhaps only a year or two, seems to come from a wholly different place: the exceedingly awkward stage at which a child discovers humor, wields it clumsily, and thinks, almost exclusively mistakenly, that (s)he is hilarious. Cue mountains of poop jokes, fake burps, and armpit farts. In that spirit, I rather unproudly present:

Comics by 9-Year-Olds: Conversations with Robotron

Time for another treasure from the attic boxes... this time, the homemade comic book that started it all, yes: the legendary ROBOTRON #1, circa 1990. I think the Robotron series went up to #5 or 6, before giving way to the 'Morph Man' series and its spinoffs, and various superhero fan comics. Robotron had a companion / friend in a parallel galaxy named Robobot (penned by my best friend Doug), with whom he joins forces in the sequel.

Anyway, please enjoy....

AKA, Adventures in (Poor) Space(ing of Letters)

Rejected Stories By First-Graders

by Gordon

---

N. Hardwell
Editor, ABC Publishing

Mrs. Thompson
Dill Elementary School

July 1, 1987

Mrs. Thompson:

I recently received your submission "A Witch: a Collection of Creative Stories by Mrs. Thompson's First Grade Class" (facsimile below), along with the similarly-subtitled anthologies "I Am the Easter Bunny" and "Ladybugs." As I was between major editing projects, I was able to read through them rather quickly.

I should say start reading through them, because I was unable to make it all the way through any one submission. Frankly, your writers cannot be called 'First Grade' in any sense. Despite being somewhat inured to bad writing (thanks to decades in this cesspool of an industry), after reading "A Witch," I felt so nauseous I had to lay down to avoid vomiting. I had to restore my faith in human language by recalling Dr. Seuss rhymes and reading from a recipe book. I am now reconsidering my life.

A New York Moment

A True Story, as poorly recalled by Gordon

Times Square, around 1AM

GUY: Ohh sorry can I bother you to take a picture please? Of me and my dog.
GIRL: Sure!
ME: Of course.
GUY: It's actually for my boyfriend. He's relaxing at home and making me walk his dog.
GIRL: Haha.
GUY: He's just sitting there and I'm out... walking his dog... in the middle of the night.
ME: Haha...the things we'll do for love!
GIRL: So where do you want it?
GUY: Here is fine. [Strikes multiple butt-centric modelesque poses]

Just Another Subway Ride (As Dreamt By an MTA Employee)

by Gordon

(Anyone know the photographer??)

CONDUCTOR: This is a Brooklyn-bound L train. Because of no construction, track maintenance, signal malfunction, or disruption, it will be making all scheduled stops. Next stop... Bedford Avenue.
GIRL: (Exiting) Oh, excuse me.
MAN: (Stepping aside) No, excuse me! Please exit the train before I get on. I find it's logical and much easier for everyone that way.
TANNOY: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
BOY NOT RUNNING OUTSIDE TRAIN: Oh, don't hold the doors; I'll catch the next one.
(Train moves)
MAN: (Standing up) Oh, miss? Would you like to sit down?
WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: No problem. I would happily give up my seat to a pregnant senior citizen war veteran quadriplegic any day! ...Wait? What am I talking about? Even though it's rush hour, there are plenty of small but comfortable seats still available in this car. I'll sit back down.
GIRL: Pardon me, would you mind if I took this seat in the middle of you two?
CLEAN-SMELLING GENTLEMEN OF AVERAGE SIZE: (Shifting stone statue of Buddha from seat to lap) Of course not.

Maybe in the next lifetime !!

AKA, Darnell Learns a Valuable Lesson

Well, this post is a bit of a topical departure, but simply HAS to be shared, as you'll see. If you must find a connexion to techno-sciency things, I'll share that at the very end. In any case, here's the long story slightly shorter...

A week ago, on tour, during break in the middle of a show, I notice this text from an unknown number on my phone:

I don't know a Darnell, my name is not Boo, and what is tagged? I figure it's a wrong number, and ignore it.

On the next break, I open my phone to see:

Ooooh shit. This guy has clearly not double-checked the number and this is some kind of incredibly awkward, desperate booty call text. I show my friends, and we discuss in amazement. Darnell likes what he sees, wants to get to know me "up close and personal!!" and "would really enjoyed" me, since he's no longer in a relationship. But a mere 13 minutes after his first message, it's "guess u don't have time for me."

When Mothers Ruled the Earth...

In honor of mothers everywhere, I'd like to take this day to point out something you may not have noticed before.

Do you see the pattern here (aside from the cartoonist getting lazier and lazier)? Everyone alive today has one mother, two grandmothers, four great grandmothers, and so forth: in each subsequent generation we trace backwards, there is twice the number of motherly ancestors. And this number grows quite rapidly: if we go back 7 generations, or about 175 years, we can extrapolate 64 great-great-great-great-great-grandmothers living around the 1830s for anyone alive today. How about around the time of the birth of the USA? In 1776, 237 years ago, or about 10 generations back, 512 great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmothers could be claimed by anyone today. That's a lot of Mother's Day cards.