How to Mess With Kids on Turkey Day

Giving Thanks, Part I

"I mean - ha - you've heard of the Thansgiving Turkey, right kids? He was around when I was little, kind of like the Easter Bunny, but even better. He would bring baskets full of pumpkins and wonderful things to all the good little boys and girls Thanksgiving morning. But then, I don't remember quite when, he got lazy. He didn't do his chores at home. He didn't do his homework. He didn't listen to his parents and go to bed on time. He whined a lot. And finally, he lost his job as the Thanksgiving Turkey, and there hasn't been one ever since. Now every year on Thanksgiving we catch, slaughter, and eat his friends and children as revenge.
...Boy, it's a good thing you're not anything like the Thanksgiving Turkey, huh?"

"I'll tell you something. You know about recycling, right? Did you know that nowadays all our Halloween jack-o-lanterns are recycled to make all this pumpkin pie, and pumpkin pudding? It's pretty great. The only problem is, you know, those jack-o-lanterns stayed outside on the ground for a long time. A lot of bugs and worms and flies and maybe some BIG spiders probably crawled inside them. When we recycle those jack-o-lanterns we always forget to check inside - haha! We just grind everything up. Here - you want a piece?"

"Hey, have you ever heard someone say you are what you eat? That's a true thing. Especially about turkey, for some reason. If you eat too much turkey... well, I once heard about a guy who ate like a whole turkey at dinner, and the next morning, he tried to get out of bed, and he couldn't, and when his friends came they took off the blanket and he had TURKEY wings instead of hands!! Yeah, that's crazy, right? And then his friends ate HIM for dinner!! Anyway, the thing is, and maybe your parents forgot to tell you this, that it takes a whole turkey to start changing a grownup because a grownup is so big. So we only eat a little, and we're fine. But for a kid, it takes a lot less. Maybe even a drumstick, or maybe even two bites of turkey would start to change you... You gotta be careful!"

Show the kids some feathers and bones, and say how interesting it is you found these under the house - they look Native American. For the rest of the day, mutter the phrase 'Indian Burial Ground' and look nervous and worried. At night, say "That's funny, this isn't the usual news story. Look - that's right by our street!" and play the movie Pet Sematary.

Show some kids a turkey with stuffing inside. Say "Hey, you know that egg yolks come from inside eggshells, and bananas come from inside banana peels, but I bet you didn't know that bread and cranberries both come from inside turkeys - see? Yeah, there are just a few weird foods like that. Like cauliflower: that's grown inside of white puppies. Almonds come from inside brown teddy bears. And candy - THAT'S a funny one - candy is grown inside of sofas." Leave a pair of scissors on the counter.

Stay tuned for Giving Thanks, Part II!