November 19, 2017

Justice Fatigue

Deleted Scenes and Should-Be-Deleted Scenes from Justice League



***SPOILER ALERT***     ***SPOILERS BELOW***

[Queen Hippolyta and the Amazons work on a construction project.]
MENALIPPE: My queen, the chamber shall be completed as scheduled. Only…
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA: …Yes?
MENALIPPE: Do you not think the Mother Box would be safer inside a, a fortress, instead of a round theatre?
HIPPOLYTA: It shall suffice.
VENELIA: My queen, or what about in a vault deep underground?
HIPPOLYTA: No, no, this circular room is best. With the Mother Box on this central pedestal, we can keep arrows aimed at it from all angles.
VENELIA: If we’re in a circle, all pointing arrows at the center…won’t we be shooting each other?
MENALIPPE: My queen, also, about the plan to not have doors…
HIPPOLYTA: You mean heavy stone walls which will drop once their support logs are smashed with hammers?
MENALIPPE: Yes. Are you sure you just don’t want to use hinges? On big metal doors…maybe attached to a fortress?
HIPPOLYTA: This is the only way.


*   *   *

[Watching the Batcave monitors]
ALFRED: It appears the parademons feed on fear.
 
BATMAN: Wait, Alfred! That picture…zoom in. Behind all the drones. Right…there!
ALFRED: Dear lord, is that—
BATMAN: Yes, it’s the Scarecrow!
ALFRED: And the evil clown from It!


*   *   *

[Aquaman slams his quindent down into the floor, blocking the wall of water rushing down the tunnel towards them.]
BATMAN: Luckily, we have Aquaman on our side. He can make water talk to fish. He has water under total control.
[Aquaman gets washed away]
 
*   *   *

[Aboard the Batplane]
BATMAN: We just have to make it through the night.
WONDER WOMAN: Get through tonight’s giant battle, that will start soon?
BATMAN: Yup. Want a large glass of whiskey?
WONDER WOMAN: Shouldn’t we be preparing for the war, or at least staying sober for it?
BATMAN: Ehhhh. I’m wearing an animal suit with ears and about to punch aliens.
 

*   *   *

[In the Batcave]
BATMAN: How much time do we have?
ALFRED: Two hours!
BATMAN: My plane can’t go that fast.
CYBORG: It can if I’M driving.
[The Batplane, not designed for supersonic flight, loses structural integrity above the Atlantic Ocean and breaks into 47 pieces]
CYBORG: …Recalculating.
 

*   *   *

[A truckful of people flee the growing alien vines. The Flash grabs hold of the truck.]
THE FLASH: Hold on!
[The Flash zooms the truck out of harm’s way.]
SUPERMAN: I can one-up you! I’m gonna pick up this entire building full of people with my bare hands and fly it to safety…
[Superman picks up the long building from the center and lifts it into the air. Since the foundation is designed to support weight evenly and not at a single point, it buckles. The ends of the building crumble downwards, shearing the entire structure into fragments. Glass and mortar and people fall from the sky.]
THE FLASH: You win.

*   *   *

[The League relaxes on a cliff, looking down as strange and beautiful blue flowers sprout from the alien vines that blanket the town below.]
SUPERMAN: I’m glad I got to see this.
WONDER WOMAN: Me too.
BATMAN: You know this used to be people’s homes, right? A town?
CYBORG: I was worried the alien vines were going to usher in a nightmarish hellscape world, like the one on which the oddly Germanically-named Steppenwolf grew up.
BATMAN: No. He just hated flowers. He was…so evil.
THE FLASH: I want alien flowers! Oh look, that little girl is picking some. How cute—
CYBORG: Wait, don’t touch that—we don’t know if it’s—
[The girl, poisoned by unidentifiable and incurable extraterrestrial toxins, collapses and dies immediately.]
BATMAN: Dammit.

January 28, 2017

Facts (and Alternative Facts) About Lunar New Year

Happy New Year of the Rooster, everyone! Also, happy Fire year. Happy year of the West. Happy 5–7PM. In total: Fire-Roasted Western-Style Chicken Happy Hour is from 5–7PM.

Let me unpack that.

The Chinese zodiac, shown below, is a cycle of 12 ‘terrestrial stems’—animals—and 10 ‘celestial branches’—elements. The latter is actually a combined cycle of 5 elements and yin (陰) & yang (陽).



Yes, folks, the first element is the Christmas tree! (#AlternativeFacts) Sorry about those emoji. You’d think they’d have an emoji for wood.

November 9, 2016

On the Nature of Progress


So our path to progress is two steps forward, five steps back. Nevertheless, we must continue to push the overall curve up and up, my friends.

Oh, and by the way: this is actually a graph of global temperatures from 1920 to 2016—the red dot at upper right is us now. Ha! Ha! We’re FUCKED.

[Global Mean Surface Temperature (January–June) from NASA GISTEMP; vertical range shown is approx. 1.5ºC; link here.]

October 30, 2016

How to Mess With Kids: Halloween Edition

aka How to Seriously Traumatize Children For Life
aka Why I’m Never Allowed to Have Children, Ever

 
~ dedicated to the child upstairs who never stops running and jumping ~

Warning: scary photos below!

Wear an only moderately scary face mask. When you happen upon a child who seems scared of it, say “Don’t worry, don’t worry,” in soothing tones, “it’s just a mask. See?” Take it off and show them this underneath:


@_jessbel_ on Instagram