(Aside from watching the Leprechaun horror movies)
On St. Patrick’s Eve: “FYI, kids, remember they update the St. Patrick’s Day rules this year. Yeah, you remember from school: the Church of St. Patrick sets the rules, and they change every [10, 15, etc.] years. Usually they switch between easy and hard rules. So that old ‘wear green or you get pinched’—that’s obviously an easy one. I mean, we all have something kinda green, right? But this year—and I know you know this already—it’s wear something FOREST green or get your arms chopped off. Yeah, all that research and preparing we all did last month to get clothes with the exact right shade of forest green—that will really pay off. I’m glad you pay such close attention in school and heard about this from your teachers weeks ago. Oh yeah, don’t forget the day officially starts at midnight! Yay, it’s almost time.”
While the kids are out of sight, arrange a complete outfit of your clothes and lay it on the kitchen floor in the shape of a fallen body. Take a generous amount of ground meat, crumbled tofu, or jello, dyed with green food coloring, and spread it inside and all around the clothes, perhaps adding a spread-out starburst pattern.
On a nearby table, set up a laptop with the following GIF playing on full-screen loop. Then scream briefly, pop a balloon, hide nearby, and wait.
Ask kids if they have heard about St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland. “You know, that happened in the 5th century, on the first St. Patrick’s Day: March 17th, back in the year 420. He drove those slithery creatures to the west, right into the sea. They went right to the bottom of the ocean, and crawled away from Ireland. But you know something else, if you know the speed of a crawling snake [tap your head and mumble some numbers], and you know how far it is from Ireland to [your country] across the ocean [mumble more random numbers], and you do some math…well then, you know that it would take exactly 1600 years for the snakes to reach us here in [your city]. That would mean…by golly! It would mean that the snakes would get here this year, maybe on this very day!!"Look suddenly gravely serious and worried. “My god…they could already be in our water pipes right now, crawling up into the sinks and bathtubs…”
➡️ Later, when the kids have to take a bath or use the bathroom, stand outside the door, and, beginning quietly and growingly steadily louder, hiss.
Bonus: if you live near a river or lake, make up an excuse to visit it with the kids, and have one or several friends hide nearby and hiss intermittently.
“Hey kids, do you know about 2-leaf clovers? That’s right: 2-leaf. You see, almost all clovers have 3 leaves, but if you find a 4-leaf one, that’s lucky, of course. What it does is it brings you EXTRA luck. But that luck has to come from somewhere, and that extra 4th leaf has to come from somewhere too—and that’s where the 2-leaf clovers come in. If you find one of those, it takes some luck away from you, and gives it to someone who finds a 4-leaf clover…and for you, that’s BAD.
I mean, you’re not gonna DIE if you find just one, but you know… I heard that Leprechauns collect 2-leaf clovers, so WE don’t find them; they protect us, see? But when their bag gets full, and there is just too much bad luck in there, they have to choose someone, one unlucky child, to give all that bad luck to. So when that happens, they look for kid who doesn’t listen to their parents, or a kid who doesn’t eat their vegetables—stuff like that, and they’ll sneak into that naughty kid’s room, and dump out their collection of bad luck 2-leaf clovers there. Basically, that much bad luck means that bad kid will probably DIE… But, you know, at least all the good kids everywhere will be able to find lucky 4-leaf clovers.”
➡️ After telling this story, if a kid misbehaves, “make” a bunch of 2-leaf clovers and spread them out on their pillow.
I mean, you’re not gonna DIE if you find just one, but you know… I heard that Leprechauns collect 2-leaf clovers, so WE don’t find them; they protect us, see? But when their bag gets full, and there is just too much bad luck in there, they have to choose someone, one unlucky child, to give all that bad luck to. So when that happens, they look for kid who doesn’t listen to their parents, or a kid who doesn’t eat their vegetables—stuff like that, and they’ll sneak into that naughty kid’s room, and dump out their collection of bad luck 2-leaf clovers there. Basically, that much bad luck means that bad kid will probably DIE… But, you know, at least all the good kids everywhere will be able to find lucky 4-leaf clovers.”
➡️ After telling this story, if a kid misbehaves, “make” a bunch of 2-leaf clovers and spread them out on their pillow.
On St. Patrick’s Eve: “Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you say? Yes, that’s the Leprechaun’s gold! But, you know, that pot is nearly impossible to find because they hide it and guard it so well. There have been times when someone DID manage to find it, and took some gold coins or stuff…but you know what? The Leprechauns always tracked those people down, and took horrible HORRIBLE revenge. I can’t even describe it. There was even a guy who took just one gold coin—ONE—and thought he was safe, thought the Leprechauns wouldn’t notice. But, you know, on St. Patrick’s Day, the Leprechauns found him and the gold coin, and what they did to him was…it was just so terrible!”
➡️ After this story: while the kid is sleeping, superglue a gold coin to the headboard of their bed.
Stay safe, healthy, and sane (and don’t forget to laugh), everyone!
➡️ After this story: while the kid is sleeping, superglue a gold coin to the headboard of their bed.
Stay safe, healthy, and sane (and don’t forget to laugh), everyone!
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