Swing Out New Hampshire is a week-long swing dance event held at Camp Wicosuta each fall. Here was my contribution to the camp talent show, in which I somehow convinced the organizers and other key people involved (Mark Kapner, Gordon Au, Gordon Webster, and Mike Thibault) to mercilessly mock themselves. Thanks to them for being such good sports about it, to Josh and Cassidy for the video (see it HERE), to Kelsey for brainstorming, and to the wonderful cast:
~ FEATURING ~
| AS THEMSELVES... | Mark Kapner, Mike Thibault, Gordon Webster, Gordon Au, Emily Vanston |
| NARRATOR... | Gordon Au |
| DR. LIVINGSTON... | Nathan Bugh |
| DOCTORS... | Walter, Cassidy Holden |
| HEAD MONK... | Aurora Nealand |
| MONKS... | Kari, Rob Adkins, Natalie D, Isabel Hagen |
* * *
NARRATOR: We are now proud to present our reënactment of the absolutely TRUE story behind this year's musicality clinics. The following are the COMPLETELY true events of exactly one week ago. Our first tableau is somewhere in the jungles of Africa...
MARK KAPNER: (Peering around jungle)
GORDON AU: Mark KAPNER!!!
MARK: SSSSSSHHH!!
GORDON: (Whispering) Mark! I've been looking for you everywhere! What are you DOING out here in the African jungle? We're supposed to be preparing for the musicality clinics next week!
MARK: ...That's what I'm doing.
GORDON: What... what in the world does the jungle have to do with mus -
MARK: - Shhhh! I think I see a ZEBRA! ...No. It was just Jo Hoffberg's hair.
GORDON: Anyway, how did you get out of work? Shouldn't you be setting up at camp or something?
MARK: I told them I have a highly contagious brain disease.
GORDON: (Takes three steps away) Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that... though, I guess I should have known. Have you had this brain disease for a very, very long -
MARK: I don't REALLY HAVE IT!
GORDON: Oh. ...Anyway, I still don't see what any of this has to do with musicality -
MARK: - Wait, I see a GAZELLE!! (War cry) (Goes down into the audience, bludgeons Emily Vanston, and brings her back up on stage)
GORDON: Mark, that's not a gazelle. You caught Emily Vanston.
MARK: Hmmm...
GORDON: Is she still alive?
MARK: I don't know...
GORDON: If she survives, you can make her teach at camp to earn her freedom back.
DR. LIVINGSTON: (Bursts in)
GORDON: Dr. Livingston!!!
DR. LIVINGSTON: (Pointing at Mark) There he is! The escaped quarantine patient with the highly contagious brain disease! GET HIM!!!
(Doctors all chase Mark and Gordon offstage)
* * *
NARRATOR: Our second scene is high in the Himalaya Mountains.
GORDON AU: (Sitting crosslegged with hands raised in meditation) Ooooommmmm...
GORDON WEBSTER: Gordon? Is that you -
AU: (Raises hand to silence)
WEBSTER: ...
AU: Ooooommmmm...
WEBSTER: ...What are you doing -
AU: (Raises hand to silence)
WEBSTER: ...
AU: Ooooommmmm...
WEBSTER: (Raises finger to speak)
AU: (Raises hand to silence)
AU: Oooommmm...
WEBSTER: ...
AU: ...Yes?
WEBSTER: What are you DOING in this monastery?
AU: I've been meditating on the nature of the perfect musicality clinic.
WEBSTER: Really? Well, what have you learned?
AU: I've discovered a mystical phrase of great power... It's a chant in two parts. The first part goes like this: doo... wah, doo... wah, doo... wah, doo...
WEBSTER: ...
AU: ...Wah.
WEBSTER: ...
AU: ...
WEBSTER: What about the sec -
AU: - The second part goes: doo wah... doo wah... doo wah... doooooooooooooooo... wah.
WEBSTER: That's great, that's...
AU: You should chant this phrase about TWO HUNDRED TIMES... somewhere at the end of one of your sets. Also, the more people that chant it, the more powerful it becomes, so you should definitely make the ENTIRE AUDIENCE say it with you.
WEBSTER: That's a great idea! Thanks! By the way, so how did you get into this monastery? I mean, you're not a monk.
HEAD MONK: ...Not a monk? Not a MONK?!
MONKS: NOT A MONK?!? NOT A MOOOONK??!??!?
HEAD MONK: GET THEM!!!!
(Monks chase the Gordons offstage)
* * *
NARRATOR: Finally, we find our heroes here at camp.
(Gordons and Mark are seated, using a ouija board)
MIKE THIBAULT: Oh hi - there you guys are! Welcome to camp! Uhh... what are you doing?
GORDON WEBSTER: I decided to consult the spirits of Frankie Manning and Duke Ellington for advice about our musicality clinic.
MIKE: Oh... OK...
GORDON AU: Come, come help us out. I think there's a free corner here... OK, let's see... we're definitely getting something here... 5... O... C... O... C... K. That's 5... o'cock??
EVERYONE: ...
AU: Wait, wait - backspace, backspace, backspace... Now wait, there's A... U... T... O? Automobile? No, it's... C... O... R...
EVERYONE: ...
AU: ...Autocorrect sucks. 5 o'clock autocorrect sucks. What does it mean?
MARK: It means... we should hold the musicality clinic at 5 o'clock!
MIKE: (To audience) Let's say 4:50PM, on Sunday, in the Dining Hall! (Thumbs up and winks)
AU: Well... I'm glad that's settled. I guess we -
HEAD MONK: (Bursts in) THERE are the HERETICS! And, and - they've been communing with SATAN!!!
DR. LIVINGSTON: (Bursts in) Look, THERE he is!! The man with the highly contagious BRAIN DISEASE!! GET HIM!!!
MONKS: GET THEM!!!
(Monks and doctors chase everyone offstage)
Fini.
Many thanks again to everyone involved, and to SONH for hosting! Check out the video HERE.
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