Socially Awkward Aardvark!

by Gordon & special guest contributor Ms. Kelsey

illustrations by Kelsey

...So we had this funny little idea. As an experiment, we decided to develop it independently at first, and see what our respective warped minds would birth. So here are two+ angles, a mere two surfaces of the multifaceted wonky gemstone that is Awkward Aardvark.

Our little friend may become the leading man in an ongoing series of a Much-Maligned Menagerie, so please do let us know if you think that should be the case.

Alright folks, enough chat... if awkward is the new sexy, get ready to change your underpants, cuz now it's time for... SOCIALLY... AWKWARD... AAAAARDVARK!!!

Gordonian Dialogues

PANTHER: Sup, Aard.
AARDVARK: ..Yo!
PANTHER: Aardvark, are you mocking me?
AARDVARK: No... my brother!
PANTHER: Stop.
AARDVARK: OK... dude. Roger... dog.
PANTHER: I will cut you.

*     *     *

AARDVARK: Hi. Um... are you all - wait. You'll. Yall? Yoll is coming from Louisiana? How is all the swamps there?
CROCODILE: I'm not an alligator. I'm a crocodile. From Venezuela.
AARDVARK: Oh. Venice... way... You have the fun swamp like Louisiana?
ALLIGATOR: I'm from Louisiana. Hurricane Katrina destroyed most of our wetlands last year. Nothing is fun about it.
AARDVARK: Oh. Ooo...kay. Yull. Yoll.
CROCODILE: Can we eat him?

*     *     *

TITMOUSE: Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Titmouse.
AARDVARK: That is funny. Your first name is like Tit? I bet you wish you were Mighty Mouse, or Mickey Mouse! ...Instead of Titmouse.
TITMOUSE: I have never heard that before. Ever.

*     *     *

MOLE: Hello Aardvark.
AARDVARK: Mole. Hi. I... your dress, is nice colored. Is that, is it all brown?
GOPHER: Aardvark, she's blind. That's dirt.
AARDVARK: OK. Wow. Well I like how, how your dirt looks. ...Can I, can I maybe get something like your dirt dress somewhere?
GOPHER: Aardvark, stop talking.

*     *     *

AARDVARK: Uh, Ms. Lemur?
MS. LEMUR: Hi Aard. Yes?
AARDVARK: I was wondering.
MS. LEMUR: ...Yes?
AARDVARK: I mean, maybe, if, I don't know if it's cool, I think maybe it will be cool. Yeah, pretty cool...
MS. LEMUR: Aardvark. What is it?
AARDVARK: Well... you know, next week?
MS. LEMUR: I know next week.
AARDVARK: Um. On Friday. There's... on Friday, after night...
MS. LEMUR: Aard, are you trying to ask me to go to prom with you?
AARDVARK: ...Yeah.
MS. LEMUR: (Sighs)
AARDVARK: I guess, if Mr. Lemur, maybe he asked you already, that would be cool...
MS. LEMUR: No Aard, Mr. Lemur's gone next week.
AARDVARK: So he's not asking you?
MS. LEMUR: No.
AARDVARK: Well? Can you, if you go, can you maybe go?
MS. LEMUR: Aardvark...
AARDVARK: Are you going, I mean, do you go away next week?
MS. LEMUR: No... I'll be here.
AARDVARK: Do you want to do dancing?
MS. LEMUR: Yes, Aard, I like dancing.
AARDVARK: So... if you go, going for the prom, to the prom, can you maybe be going...
MS. LEMUR: Aard, look. I'm gonna be late. I'll see you later, maybe.
AARDVARK: You, you're, are you be going -
MS. LEMUR: - Bye.
 

*     *     *

ELEPHANT: Hello, Aardvark.
AARDVARK: Nine, seven, three, three, four -
ELEPHANT: Aardvark, what are talking about?
AARDVARK: - Two, two, one, eight -
ELEPHANT: Aardvark?
AARDVARK: - Nine nine. Wait. What was the first numbers again?
ELEPHANT: ...Are you saying a phone number out loud because you think I'll remember it? Because elephants never forget??
AARDVARK: No. No. ...Yes.
ELEPHANT: Forget it.

*     *     *

AARDVARK: Do you want to see the Batman movie?
MOSQUITO: My entire family was just eaten alive by bats.
AARDVARK: So no? Batman Returns?

*     *     *

MR. PANDA: Well, that was fun.
MS. PANDA: What a nice film. Aardvark, did you like the movie?
AARDVARK: It was pretty... good. I think.
MR. PANDA: Well.
AARDVARK: Yeah, I liked it.
MS. PANDA: Good.
MR. PANDA: Well, I guess it's getting pretty late now...
AARDVARK: Are you from Chinese?
MS. PANDA: Am I Chinese? Yes, I'm from China. Most of us are from China.
AARDVARK: Nice. China is nice.
MR. PANDA: Oh, OK, have you actually been there?
MS. PANDA: (Clears throat) Anyway, Aardvark, we have some morning business, so I guess we better -
AARDVARK: - Are Chinese Pandas better at doing sex than America Pandas?
MR. PANDA: Aardvark... I think maybe, we should have a little privacy now. It's pretty late...
AARDVARK: Do you want to do sex with Ms. Panda? Is that why she came to visit? What about all the other girl pandas that were here? Do you sex with all the pandas?
MS. PANDA: ...
MR. PANDA: I think you should go.

*     *     *

AARDVARK: Hi, good morning, hi, Simple.
SIMBA: Simba. It's Simba, Aardvark.
AARDVARK: Good. Me too. Uh... how is your dad?
GAZELLE: Aardvark, the Lion King was killed last week by Simba's uncle. You were AT the funeral!
AARDVARK: So he's not good. Maybe sorry, I shouldn't say good morning. It's not good. Maybe, like, bad morning? Sad morning?
GAZELLE: Oh Aardvark...
AARDVARK: Can I have some ants?

*     *     *

TIGER: (Waves)
AARDVARK: (Waves back) Ah, ah, hi Mr. Tiger!! Good morn - no, what time?... good afternoon! I like your stripes... they're really cool.
MS. TIGER: (Snarls)
AARVARK: - HEY! (Turns around, steps aside)
MS. TIGER: (Saunters up to Tiger and walks off with him)
AARDVARK: ...Oh.

*     *     *

AARDVARK'S TAIL: (Sticking out sideways)
AARDVARK: Oh! Hello. (Stops digging)
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: Are you... Mr. Snake?
TAIL: (Twitches)
AARDVARK: Um...
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: How are you, Snakey? Oh, sorry, maybe you don't like the 'Snakey.' I don't know why I said that. Sorry. Mr. Snake?
TAIL: (Swishes nervously)
AARDVARK: Well... I guess I should go. See you soon? Maybe. That would be cool.
TAIL: ...

(Later, at watering hole)
TAIL: (Splashes in water)
AARDVARK: Oh, snake! Hi again. Um. How are you? Still good? Haha.
TAIL: (Stops moving)
AARDVARK: ...Yeah.
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: Uh, well, me?... I'm just getting a good ol'... water today, yeah. I wanted some good water.
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: Yeah... it's nice water. Today.
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: OK. OK.
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: (Whistles)
TAIL: ...
AARDVARK: See you.

*     *     *

FATHER AARDVARK: Look, son, have you ever tried NOT being awkward?
AARDVARK: How do I do that?

*     *     *

AARDVARK: So who is the most swingest animal of the farms? Do you remember this joke?
ELEPHANT: No. I haven't heard it.
AARDVARK: OK! OK! It's... Ella Fitzgerald.
ELEPHANT: ...What?
AARDVARK: Ella Fitzgerald. You know.
ELEPHANT: Ella...?
AARDVARK: She's great. She could sing like -
ELEPHANT: - Wait. Oh god, Aardvark. Do you mean, Elephantsgerald??
AARDVARK: Her name is Fitzgerald. Wait, Fintzgerald?
ELEPHANT: (Shaking head) You mean Elephantsgerald.
AARDVARK: No. Yeah. ...Maybe.

*     *     *

AARDVARK: I mean, sometimes I remember and miss my teddy bear, and I just want to -
HEDGEHOG: Stop. You are NOT hugging me.

*     *     *

AARDVARK: Oh! Mrs. Snake! I, your, I saw Mr. Snake yesterday. Like a lot of times. It was weird.
SNAKE EATING EGG: ...
AARDVARK: Um. How are you?
SNAKE EATING EGG: ...
AARDVARK: Oh. That's a big piece of egg. Or the whole egg. Are you eating a, whole one egg?
SNAKE EATING EGG: ...
AARDVARK: Your mouth is really big. That is cool... I like your mouth.
SNAKE EATING EGG: ...
AARDVARK: I, um, I saw Elephant today. And I said to him the funnest joke! About Ellas fit. Or Ellas fints?
SNAKE EATING EGG: ...
AARDVARK: Anyways it is just a best joke ever. I mean... can you do laughing with a big mouth and the egg on your mouth?
SNAKE EATING EGG: (Trying to slither away)
AARDVARK: Yeah. So which is, who is, the swinger aminal - no, no, animal - for Old Donald's... on a farm?

*     *     *

AARDVARK: Hahaha!
MR. HYENA: Hi Aard.
AARDVARK: Haha, hi Mr. Hyena! You're really funny.
MR. HYENA: (Sighs) Thanks.
AARDVARK: I wish I could be funny like you.
MRS. HYENA: Actually, dear, Mr. Hyena hasn't been feeling well lately. He had the flu, so he hasn't been making jokes or making anyone laugh for a long time.
AARDVARK: ...Do I have the flu?

*     *     *

FOX: Hello there, friend. I'm Fox.
AARDVARK: I'm Aardvark. My name for reals is Orycteropus afer. It's Greek words. Orycteropus means digging footed. Afer means from Africa.
FOX: Well, isn't that nice. Ory, is it?
AARDVARK: Or in Afrikaans my name is really like Erdvark, that means I'm a ground pig. But Mr. Groundhog said don't tell anyone your name is ground anything okay? Anyways I'm not the pig! I do live in the ground though. I could be... groundvark. Haha. Groundvark!
FOX: I see...
AARDVARK: Sometimes I eat the ants.
FOX: The ants?
AARDVARK: Ants live in the holes and I eat them. But not like Anteater. I eat ants, but I'm not like Anteater. He made me say it.
FOX: Ah...
AARDVARK: I live alone in a hole in the ground.
FOX: Right.
AARDVARK: It would be cool to do hanging out.
FOX: ...I don't think we can be friends.

Kelseyan Observations

Socially Awkward Aardvark brags about being second place in the Quiz Bowl – four times.

Socially Awkward Aardvark ruins action movies by arguing about physics.

Socially Awkward Aardvark has sexy chats with a girl he met online. This girl is actually a man named Leonard, who is 56 and lives in Idaho.

Socially Awkward Aardvark uses Urban Dictionary to figure out what his friends are talking about.

Socially Awkward Aardvark brings expensive craft beers to frat parties.

Socially Awkward Aardvark feels more comfortable having conversations in Klingon.

Socially Awkward Aardvark annoys everyone with his list of 10 reasons why he would be a good president of the marching band.

Socially Awkward Aardvark carries extra handkerchiefs . . . just in case.

Socially Awkward Aardvark tried to grow a soul patch, but it looked weird.

Socially Awkward Aardvark sits in the middle of the movie theater so that the music's not too loud.

Socially Awkward Aardvark still makes "Chuck Norris" jokes.

Socially Awkward Aardvark wears fake glasses so he'll look hip.

Socially Awkward Aardvark wears skinny jeans, but everyone wishes he wouldn't.

Socially Awkward Aardvark forgot his date's name halfway through dinner.

Socially Awkward Aardvark wears a tie with polo shirts.

Socially Awkward Aardvark can't find a date for the Gettysburg bicentennial.

Socially Awkward Aardvark compliments people on their shoes to avoid eye contact.

Socially Awkward Aardvark goes to the bathroom a lot at parties because he drinks during all the points in the conversation where he's supposed to be talking.

Socially Awkward Aardvark eats Raisinettes because that's cooler than eating raisins.

Socially Awkward Aardvark doesn't realize that that smell is actually him.

Socially Awkward Aardvark came to see the opening band.

Socially Awkward Aardvark is known for his dry humor, but he's actually being serious.

*     *     *

...And there you have it. This has been the inaugural installment of Socially Awkward Aardvark, brought to you by Gordon & Kelsey. If you liked it, please leave us a nice little non-hatey comment below. Huge props and love to Ms. Kelsey, Pwuthland's first EVER contributor and all-around amazeballs awesomesauce person!

Stay tuned for next time, in which Aardvark will meet new friends SARAH PA(NGO)LIN, GEORGE W. BUSHBABY, BILLY GOAT CLINTON, and a host of illustrious others who will make him feel considerably better about himself! Dum dum dum.... (Update: read Part 2 HERE!)