August 5, 2013

Morph Man Reads 'Morph Man II'

aka Comics By 12-Year-Olds: Morph Man II: The Dawn of Omicron
(Read first: The Amazing Adventures of Morph Man!)

HOSTESS: Well, everyone, welcome to this very special panel reading of Morph Man II. For those of you following along at home, don't forget you can click on any page to see a larger, more legible version. So... we have with us today none other than... the green gooey crusader, that versatile variform victor himself, our fine feathered flatulent freedom fighter MORPH MAAAAN!!!!
MORPH MAN: Uhhh thanks. Thanks.
OMICRON: To be fair, Clark has really come a long way since the old days with controlling his bowel problems.
HOSTESS: Oh of course, of course! Please excuse me, Mr. Morph! It's just not everyday I get to meet such a hero, such a, a living legend, a super... savior, a towering titan of terrific -
MORPH MAN: - Please! Call me Clark.
HOSTESS: ...Thank you, thank you so much, Clark. Ohmygod I can't believe I called Morph Man CLARK! Ohmygod ohmygod -
OMICRON: - What I am, chopped liver?
HOSTESS: Oh yes! I mean, no! You're not liver! Um... Yes, we also have with us today, and we're very honored as well, in the flesh, it's... AAAAAH-MICRON!!!
MORPH MAN: (Winces)
OMICRON: Actually... that's Oooh-micron. Oh, as in the letter O.
HOSTESS: Holycrap, I'm so - shit, I - agg, I'm not supposed to swear!! I'm sorry!!!
OMICRON: OK, OK, it's alright. It's a short O in the Greek alphabet, so it's not really your fault. There was no phonetic guide in the comics.
HOSTESS: OK, so, what I meant was... here with us today is also the wonderful, the ONE and ONLY... OOOOOOOOMICRON!!!
MORPH MAN: Miss, actually, Omicron has at least two clones. They fought Doomsday in space, after he -
OMICRON: - Hey, hey! No one here has read that story yet.
MORPH MAN: Oh, right. Sorry.
HOSTESS: I have!! I have!! I read it! That's in Doomsday: the Apocalypse!!! 
MORPH MAN: Right, right... OK, we can leave that for a future panel.
HOSTESS: Whatever you say, Clark! Clark, heehee. (Giggles) Oh yes, Clark, please do call me Jill! Mr. Omicron, can I... call you, um...?
OMICRON: Call me Mr. Omicron.

MORPH MAN: What is it about reliable journalistic tip-offs these days? Go write about some fancy 'diamond of power'! Except IT'S NOT THERE. Go write about that fantastic beautiful ice sculpture downtown! WATER SCULPTURE. Go interview the oldest man alive! THE NEWEST MAN DEAD.
OMICRON: Hey, there are worse jobs, man. I mean, look at...
HOSTESS: ...What?
OMICRON: Nothing.

MORPH MAN: Who are you and WHERE DID YOU PUT THE DIAMOND OF POWER! That's what I should have said! Haha. Or wait, maybe... Give me the Diamond, or you will Dia... you will die! Diamond... or die a man!
HOSTESS: So tell us, Mr. Omicron, why did you take the Diamond of Power?
OMICRON: Well, something just drew me to the museum... I could sense it. Sense the power, the raw absolute power seething inside that stone... waiting to be unleashed, unleashed upon a helpless world, and be wielded by a fearsome, ruthless god in the flesh, an awesome ruler who will trample the pathetic monuments of your puny civilization (stands up), who will enslave you insipid humans as cattle and wreak destruction and chaos across the globe, spreading PAIN and SUFFERING (charges lasers) and raining down FIRE and -
MORPH MAN: - Whoa, WHOOA! Omicron, are you feeling OK, buddy?? (Grasps Omicron by the arm)
MORPH MAN: How does your head feel? Do you need me to -
OMICRON: - No, no, I'm alright now, really. I'm sorry. I just got carried away. (Sits down) I just... remembered a little bit. I'm OK. I'm OK.
MORPH MAN: Jill? Jill. You can let go of my arm now, Jill.
HOSTESS: (Releases both hands) ...I need to go change my pants.

OMICRON: Ha! Nailed you!
MORPH MAN: I wasn't ready. That doesn't count.
OMICRON: That does so count. What, are you gonna go to the crime scene, and even talk to the bad guy, and then be somehow not ready?
MORPH MAN: OK, just shut up.

HOSTESS: You know, I really like the 3D shape of your helmet here, Mr. Omicron. It feels like I'm really there.
OMICRON: Thank you.
MORPH MAN: You know, I really like how you ripped off the T-1000 from Terminator 2 with your dumb stabby-arm here.
OMICRON: Oh come on don't be a baby. It's not like you never got stabbed through the heart by anyone else.
MORPH MAN: Hey, it reaaally hurts!

OMICRON: You know, I really like how you just pulled some kinda bullshit power out of your ass. It's like Superman IV, when the producers ran out of money and Superman just instantly rebuilds the Great Wall of China WITH HIS EYES. Oh yeah, we never mentioned that other power, about reversing entropy? Oh yeah, Superman can do that, too.
MORPH MAN: Hey, I was just being creative.
OMICRON: Creative? Do you KNOW what would happen if you could and actually DID move your arm at the speed of light?
HOSTESS: I DO I DO! Your arm would collide with the air molecules so violently it would cause atomic fusion, which would release gamma and X-rays and probably neutrons and intense heat and light, and a thermonuclear shock wave and plasma front that would annihilate the entire city, and...
HOSTESS: I read about it in XKCD once.

OMICRON: Ahahaha... hahaha!
MORPH MAN: (Folds arms across chest)
OMICRON: Hahaha... Haha, oh jeez...
OMICRON: Ha... I mean, it's just the, the look on your face, and the fact that your head is flipping back so fast that it looks like you have an extra nose and pair of eyes on top of your head...
MORPH MAN: What?? I do NOT!
(Everyone looks closely)
HOSTESS: ...You kinda do.
OMICRON: Hehe hahaha!!
MORPH MAN: OK, screw you guys.

MORPH MAN: Well, remember that? Who's laughing now, huh?
HOSTESS: Clark, may I ask... why didn't you just do this with every super-villain?
MORPH MAN: Right. Well, um, obviously when I fought villains such as The Boss, who was really a giant animate toilet, well then he just flushed me inside him, and then I thought what am I gonna do? All those other people are in terrible danger... and it just came to me in a moment of greatness: I morphed, and The Boss exploded into little pieces of ceramic and... stuff, and I vanquished evil and saved the day and Morph Man was a GREAT HERO!! (Beams)
OMICRON: You didn't answer the question.
MORPH MAN: What now?
OMICRON: The question. Why didn't you pull the whole "morph myself into every single cell in your body and expand 10 times my normal size" with anyone else, ever?
MORPH MAN: Um, well, that's, that is...
HOSTESS: Perhaps villains like Death's Eye had some kind of impenetrable armor?
OMICRON: I had impenetrable armor!
HOSTESS: Or Doomsday, did he have like, some sort of kryptonite-laced fur follicles or -
MORPH MAN: What are you talking about?? I'm not Superman. That wouldn't affect me in -
OMICRON: So there was nothing - nothing that prevented you from using that strategy with every other villain? You mean if you'd properly remembered your own goddamn superpowers you could've defeated Doomsday early on and saved so many innocent people, and our friends, from HORRIBLE DEATHS??
MORPH MAN: Hey, look, there was no guarantee that would even have worked with Doomsday or Death's Eye or anyone else. And you don't know... those guys are real heavy-hitters.
OMICRON: I. WAS. THERE. I fought them ALL. And what the hell? Are you calling me a fucking featherweight?
HOSTESS: Ok now, guys. Fellas. Clark. Take it easy. Take -
OMICRON: (Standing with lasers charged) I'll show you some heavy HITTING -

HOSTESS: Aaaaaand we're back. We've moved to the sofa, since our chairs got destroyed by purple plasma lasers and morph-y swords.
OMICRON: I'm sorry.
MORPH MAN: I'm sorry.
HOSTESS: That's OK! It's alright. Now, back to where we were in the story...
(Looking at the page)
MORPH MAN: Yesssss! (Pumps fist)
HOSTESS: Well, Clark, hehee, it looks like your cunning strategem really worked.
OMICRON: It would have worked, had I been any other joe super-schmoe. But you remember I also had that little thing called, oh I don't know maybe the DIAMOND of freaking POWER??
HOSTESS: Oh right. Let's see...

OMICRON: Yeaah, that's what I'm talkin bout.
HOSTESS: Aw, that's so COOL, Omicron!
OMICRON: Mister Omicron.
HOSTESS: Mr. Omicron.
MORPH MAN: Hey, Omicron? I have a question.
MORPH MAN: As long as we're playing the hey-why-didn't-you-blah-blah-BLAH game... If you can reassemble yourself from exploded fragments, why don't you do that all the time? I mean, why even hesitate to attack the most fearsome opponent, if you can just reintegrate every time he blows you up? Or you know, why not just suicide bomb every bad guy?
HOSTESS: ...Fair question.
MORPH MAN: Yes, big bad Oooomicron, tell us why oh why?
OMICRON: ...Because fuck you, that's why.

OMICRON: And because I can just shoot lasers in your chest and through your entire body and out your back, that's why.
HOSTESS: You know, in retrospect, Mr. Omicron, I think you definitely pulled a Super-Shredder.
OMICRON: A what now?
HOSTESS: In the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: the Secret of the Goo, or something, the boss bad guy Shredder is defeated, but then he drinks this goo and he comes back as this shiny armored veiny uber-muscles-made-out-of-muscles behemoth Super-Shredder that obliterates the turtles.
OMICRON: OK, yes... Yes, I guess I kind of did that. And in this picture, I was clearly obliterating an equally green, dweeby sissy.
MORPH MAN: ...Hey! Who won, huh? Who WON?
OMICRON: It was clearly a draw.
MORPH MAN: Draw my green ass!
HOSTESS: Errr, I kinda think Clark won.
OMICRON: You, Ms. Jill, are clearly biased. Just because I'm a -
HOSTESS: - I am not prejudiced against homicidal robots!!
OMICRON: I prefer cybernetic organism. And I DO think the fact that I look a little different, that my first name isn't Ohmie and I'm not Mr. Cron, or fucking Clark Cron - I think that weighs against me in your eyes. Furthermore, to tell the truth, I think that you're a little in love with dweeb-O here.
HOSTESS: ...OK we're running out of time let's move on!!

HOSTESS: And here it is. This was it. The defining moment of Morph Man II. When Clark had his genius idea to -
OMICRON: - Whoa. Whoa. Genius what? What if I morph your brain to a super hero brain?? THAT idea? Cuz that's just about the lamest cop-out most stupid thing I've ever -
MORPH MAN: - It worked, didn't it?
HOSTESS: You were so AMAZING, Clark!! Look, you were just a, a puddle of blood with a head, and yet you still managed to send a morph-y tentacle straight into the villain's forehead and -
OMICRON: - WHY not morph your brain into that of someone much smarter, Clark? Why not morph your enemy's torso into a cup of Jell-O pudding? Why not morph rocks into cup-o-noodles and end world hunger?? Morph the moon into a giant disco ball?
MORPH MAN: Look. That's not really how it works. I can morph myself into shapes, shapes that are about the same volume as my body, or something like your evil brain into a similarly-sized good brain -
OMICRON: - Could you morph an apple into an orange?
MORPH MAN: Well, yes.
OMICRON: Could you morph a wooden apple into a real apple?
MORPH MAN: ...Yeah, if the wood were the same density.
OMICRON: Could you morph a piece of wood that doesn't look like an apple at all, but is about the same volume and density, into a real apple?
MORPH MAN: ...I suppose I could.
OMICRON: Do you realize that you could be feeding millions, using maybe nothing more than carefully measured piles of wood flakes or dirt or -
HOSTESS: - Can you morph stuff into GOLD???
HOSTESS: Ohmygod. What are we doing here? Why are we just sitting here?? You need to come with me right now! Why aren't we just - eeerk!
OMICRON: What are you doing?
MORPH MAN: Sorry. Just morphing her brain into a brain that doesn't remember the last few minutes of our conversation.
OMICRON: Gotcha.
HOSTESS: (Gurgling)
OMICRON: But man, really, what about feeding the masses? Seriously, you could just - eeeerk!

MORPH MAN: And from then on, we were best of buddies. And that's... the rest of the story.
HOSTESS: Huh? What? ...Did I miss something?
OMICRON: Whoa... what happened to the last page?
MORPH MAN: No, no, everything's right here, see? Justice prevails and all.
HOSTESS: Ah, um, about justice... that Diamond of Power that you stole from the museum, Mr. Omicron... is that it right there in the middle of your chest?
OMICRON: Yes, yes it is. Do you a problem with that?
HOSTESS: Well, it's just that, I mean I thought that justice would mean that the Diamond would, would...
OMICRON: (Charging lasers)
MORPH MAN: (Making the cut-off-head gesture to Jill)
HOSTESS: ...Would be put to good ends, like being used to power an amazing superhero like yourself, Mr. Omicron.
OMICRON: (Turning off lasers) Exactly.
MORPH MAN: So, anyway... At the bottom here, it says stay tuned for Omicron's new series?
HOSTESS: Yes, Mr. Omicron, did I miss the series? I always wondered about that.
OMICRON: Well, Jill, you see, we actually went on to the Super Triple Special comic after this one, and then it was Superman specials after that, in which I appeared but wasn't really the main star per se...
MORPH MAN: So when did your series as the most powerful superhero cyborg on Earth come out?
OMICRON: Well, one thing led to another, and things sorta got sidetracked, and...
HOSTESS: You mean... it never came out?
MORPH MAN: Really, buddy? Like, never? I didn't know that. Why didn't you -
OMICRON: - Look, I just... I prefer not to talk about it, OK?
Whatever you say.
HOSTESS: But, surely it's not too late to think about -
OMICRON: (Charging lasers)
MORPH MAN: (Making cut-off-head gesture)

To be continued in Super Triple Special, starring Morph Man, Omicron, and new supervillains DEATH'S EYE and DOOMSDAY! Stay tuned!

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