Features of Our New & Improved Modern Fireworks
- no longer explode early!
- less radiation
- flaming pieces will surely stop burning before they hit the ground
- rocket launcher now points up instead of down
- no longer blind viewers within 50 mile radius
- glow-in-the-dark
- less spontaneous combustion above 85º F
- bluetooth
- now almost legal in 3 states!
Early Civilization Terms For Fireworks
- oh god the sky is exploding
- giant sky death flowers
- demon summoners
- the sins of our forefathers rendered in the script of hellfire
- ancestors’ fury
Rejected Government Branding For Fireworks
- bombs…the good kind!
- surplus metal disposal rockets
- decorative explosions
- expensive one-time-use exploding aerial lanterns
- misuse of tax dollars
- ornamental shrapnel
- sky polluters—wait, no…sky brighteners?
- suck it, former overlords!
- multi-selfie-enabler flash units
Traveling Salesman Names For Fireworks
- skysplosions
- whizzbang sparklepuffs
- nightblockers
- explodaballs
- funbangers
Alternative Names For Those Sparkler Thingies
- danger sticks
- hold onto this and DO NOT LET GO
- handwarmers
- wingardium leviohwatchout!
- bright brief metaphors for human life
Alternative Names For Those Black Snake Thingies
- satan’s tentacles
- violations of the laws of physics and gateways to the dimension of black abyss
- cthulhu pellets
- firenibblers
Happy Independence Day, America! 🇺🇸 Here’s hoping we don’t go down in flames 🔥🔥🔥
Thanks to K for the ideas and suggestions :)
*BONUS for my swing dancer friends:
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