December 5, 2015

Damaging Books For Impressionable Children

Don’t look for these at your local bookstore… 

after Hauman & Hauman
The Little Engine That Could But Wouldn’t

“I carry the likes of you? Indeed not!”

How sad all the dolls and toys felt!

“I won’t pull the likes of you!”

And the dolls and toys were ready to cry.

by Sara Walk
Where the Wild Things Aren’t

He sailed off through night and day
and in and out of weeks
and almost over a year
to where the wild things aren’t.

And when he came to the place where the wild things aren’t

nothing happened.


by Tom Murphy VII
The Very Hungry Caterpillar That Ate His Way Out of His Mother’s Body From the Inside

He started to look for some food, but there was only his mother all around him.
On Monday he ate, but he was still hungry.
On Tuesday he ate, but he was still hungry.
On Wednesday he ate, but he was still hungry…

Arnold Lobel
Frog And Toad Are Friends With Each Other But Not With You

“But Frog,” said the little child, “I’ll miss out on all the fun!”

“Tough shit,” replied Frog.

“Oh, but can’t I come along?” asked the child.

“Do you see a third seat on this bicycle?” said Toad.

Robert McCloskey / edit by Kelsey
Get The Fuck Out of the Way For Ducklings

They made such a noise that Michael came running,
waving his arms and blowing his whistle.
“Get the fuck out of the way!” he cried.

Dorothy Kunhardt
Pat The Bunny Now OR DIE

Judy can pat the bunny.

Now YOU pat the bunny.

I won’t ask you again.

after Felicia Bond
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie He Will Give Your Sister Rabies

If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to eat it.
When he eats it, he will get a sugar rush.
On the sugar rush, he’ll chase after your sister.
When he chases your sister, she will slip on the cookie crumbs.
When she slips, the mouse will bite her face
and ask for a glass of milk.

after Ron Barrett
Smoggy With a Chance of Lung Cancer

Whatever the weather served, that was what they ate. But it never rained rain. It never snowed snow. And it never blew just wind. It rained things like acid and gasoline. It snowed tar and green bile. And sometimes the wind blew in storms of tumors.

after Clement Hurd
Goodnight Blood Moon: The Child’s Book of Revelation

There were four little riders with horses beneath
And human-faced locusts with great lion’s teeth
And a Dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns
And a Sea-Beast with seven heads and ten horns and ten crowns
And a comb and a brush and some bowls full of sores, blood, darkness, pain, drought, earthquake, and terrible heat that takes away breath
And a quiet old lady robed in white with a crown of twelve stars whispering “death”

Goodnight sun of black
Goodnight moon of blood
Goodnight stars falling to the earth
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere

after The Walt Disney Company
Winnie the Poo That Wouldn’t Come Out Since You Don’t Eat Your Fiber

Oh dear! Oh gracious! Oh, well it all comes from eating too much…

by Dr. Seuss
The Cat That Shat in the Hat

 ‘I know it is wet
and there’s nothing to do.
but I will have
lots of good fun with this poo!’

So all we could do was to
sit! sit! sit! sit!
while the cat took my hat
and he sat and he shit.

Also from Dr. Seuss:
  • One Fish, Two Fish, Three Fish, Four Fish…Hope You Like Fish
  • Green Eggs and Ham: That’s Food Poisoning, Sam-I-Am
  • Oh the Places You’ll Go Before You Eventually Die

after Shel Silverstein
The Taking-Away Tree

“I don’t need very much now,” said the boy. “Just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired.”

“Well,” said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, “then how about giving me your hair and teeth and both your legs?

Also from Shel Silverstein:
  • Where the Sidewalk Ends and Naughty Children Fall Straight to Hell
  • A Light in the Attic Where There Was No Light Before In the House That is Abandoned
  • The Missing Piece That Was Found Two Days Later in a Dumpster

And keep a lookout for these titles, coming soon!
  • Charlotte’s Web of Lies and Deceit
  • The Don’t Care Bears
  • Where’s Waldo’s Body?
Special thanks to Kelsey, and friends/family who let me pick their brains.

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