December 10, 2013

Exposé: Behind the World's Worst Gifts

Read of the intern who created a lotion called AAAHHH!, the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, shampoo with food in it, Tanner the Dog Who Eats His Own Poop, the bizarre Japanese Watermelon Refridgerator Stroller, and much more!

At TempleSpa Headquarters

via TempleSpa
BOSS: Well, lackey, you've been working at TempleSpa™ for two weeks now. What've you got to show for it?
INTERN: Boss, I've got it. It's gonna be a hit. Get this: it's a soothing balm for aching feet and limbs.
BOSS: What's it called?
BOSS: AAH!! Jesus Christ! What's the matter??
INTERN: No, sir, that's what it's called.
BOSS: What?
INTERN: It's called AAAHHH!
BOSS: Aah!! Mother of God, stop saying that!!
INTERN: That's the name of the balm, sir. No need to blaspheme.
BOSS: Let me get this straight. You named a soothing balm... "Aaaaaahhhh!!!"?!?
INTERN: Exactly. And here's the tagline: leaves tired legs, feet & limbs feeling "tingling and alive." Isn't that great?
BOSS: "Tingling and alive"? It makes your limbs feel tingling? Like nerve damage?
INTERN: Tingling... and alive.
BOSS: Instead of dead and numb?
INTERN: Yes. The tingling means it's working.

The Next Day at TempleSpa

BOSS: Well, lackey, what've you got for me today?
INTERN: OK, you're really going to like this one, sir. All our customers will just be crazy over it. It's gonna sell like flapjacks -
BOSS: WHAT. Tell me WHAT it is.
INTERN: Yes, yes, of course. It's an aromatic cleansing bar that -
BOSS: "Aromatic cleansing bar"? Do you mean... smelly soap??
INTERN: Well, right, but -
BOSS: What's it called?
BOSS: Aaaahh!! What! What's wrong??
INTERN: No, sir, AAAHHH! is the soothing balm for aching feet and limbs. This is... KEEP CALM
BOSS: Holy Christ, WHY would you SHOUT at me to keep calm??? You're gonna give me a heart attack!!
INTERN: Sir, just... KEEP CALM
BOSS: AARG, stop SAYING THAT! What the hell's WRONG with you?
INTERN: I don't know, sir, I think it really captures the aromatic essence of this cleansing bar. Perhaps you should try using it now? It might make you feel better.

via TempleSpa

Meanwhile, at Clairol Labs

RESEARCHER: So, after using Clairol™ shampoo for one week, how does your hair feel?
COLLEGE STUDENT: Well, to be honest...
COLLEGE STUDENT: I feel like it's missing something. Just a... a touch of something, you know?
RESEARCHER: A touch of... what? Organic herbs? An essential oil?
COLLEGE STUDENT: No. Maybe something like... I don't know, cottage cheese?
COLLEGE STUDENT: ...Or ricotta?
RESEARCHER: ...I don't know if that's the direction we want to go.
COLLEGE STUDENT: I mean, think about it: the creaminess, the smooth softness of, of mayonnaise! - blended with your hair!
RESEARCHER: ...Is that what you really think would benefit your hair?
COLLEGE STUDENT: Well, I do like mayonnaise.
RESEARCHER: Do you really want your hair to smell like mayonnaise?
COLLEGE STUDENT: Well... maybe not. But maybe if it were a fancy aioli with truffle oil...
RESEARCHER: (Shaking head) You're not at all concerned with making your head smell like table condiments?
COLLEGE STUDENT: It'd just be a touch.
RESEARCHER: You know - crap. I need to turn in this eval sheet ten minutes ago. I just can't sign off on the mayo, or the cheese.
COLLEGE STUDENT: OK, well what about other dairy? Hey, maybe even something with probiotics?...
RESEARCHER: Hey, now you're talking! Hmmm, just a touch of...

30 Days Later

Via The Onion

via The Onion
Actual product description:
The world is a dirty place. You never know where other people's hands have been. Play it safe with some Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer.

Actual product warning:
Do not apply to your genitals. This product is for hand use only.

Also coming soon!
  • Maybe You Have Gonorrhea Condoms
  • Maybe I'm Allergic to You Facial Tissues
  • Maybe You Murder People MACE Spray
  • Maybe Your Music Taste is Shit Earplugs
  • Maybe I Fired Six Shots or Maybe Only Five .44 Magnum
  • Maybe It's Maybelline Mystery Cream
  • Maybe the Cat's Alive and Maybe It's Dead Schrödinger Cat Carrier

On the Sidewalk in Summer

NORMAL GUY: (Dropping watermelon) Dammit! Fuck these heavy globe-shaped fruits! They're so damn difficult to carry.
NORMAL GIRL: And gosh, it must be getting so warm and gross in this heat...
NORMAL GUY: (Picking up several chunks of broken watermelon) My arms just don't work any more. I feel like a Tyrannosaurus.
Does this sound like YOUR life?
Then we have just the things for you! Tell 'em, Harvey!...
...That's right, folks, we have just what yooooouuuu need!!
We can't have you traipsing around with wimpy little wimp arms, now can we? Here's how you'll man up this season:

via SkyMall

That's right! A set of high-quality, deluxe, real genuine Arm Exercise Weights! That's right, folks, get ready to "wear your workout wherever you go with Arm Exercise Weights! Turn normal everyday activities into fat burning workouts. A must have if you don't like to exercise, but want to lose weight!"
NORMAL GUY & GIRL: Good - we hate to exercise!
Yes, these Arm Exercise Weights can even be worn discreetly underneath your normal arm clothes! And, as you can see right here on the box, "Wearing them for just 10 hours a day is equal to a 2-mile run!!!!"
NORMAL GUY: Holy shit, that's amazing!!
But that's not all, no! Once your little stick arms are up to par, then...
NORMAL GIRL: But how do we carry the watermelon AND keep it nice and cool?
I was JUST getting to that! Feast your eyes upon:

via JoyBond

NORMAL GUY: What the fuck is that? 
NORMAL GIRL: Is that what I think it is?
Yes, folks, it IS!! Your very own WATERMELON REFRIDGERATOR STROLLER!!!
NORMAL GUY: Are you fucking serious?
Yes!! With your new, strong arms, you'll be perfectly prepared to push the Marudoko Tamachan, straight from the hi-tech land of Japan!! This top-of-the-line beaut will cool. Will heat. Will plug into your car lighter. Will rotate 360º. Will change your underwear - and well, let's just let the official translated description fill you in:
Spring, summer, fall and winter, Tama-chan is OK at any time or warm or cool depending on the season entirely.
It really shines more in the outdoors! GO to the beach to put the "Tama-chan" a whole watermelon is a hot summer day! Cool to the core in the car because it is cigar socket correspondence.
Easy to carry with the carry rotation telescopic caster 360 more times each!
And, I make an outstanding performance as heating cabinet in cold season! You can if you put tea and canned coffee, buns, etc. in the "Tama-chan", and you may be asked to delicious stay warm at any time.
In addition, you can delicious novice by placing chilled at a constant temperature even rice.
NORMAL GIRL: I'm sorry. "Carry rotation... telescopic caster 360" - what does that mean?
Easy to carry with the carry rotation telescopic caster 360 MORE TIMES EACH!!!
NORMAL GUY: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
You may be asked to DELICIOUS STAY WARM AT ANY TIME!!!

In Germany

New, from TAGHeuer™, the most respected name in watches in the entire world, comes a pure stroke of genius, a masterpiece of clocksmanship.... A giant leap forward of the hour hand of watchmaking, and a giant leap in anatomical placement. Forget the wristwatch - we are proud to present... THE HANDWATCH™.

via TAGHeuer
Tired of your wristwatch getting caught on your shirt sleeve? Had enough of lifting your arm to see the time? Sick of rolling up your jacket sleeve to check if you're wearing a watch? Those days are now over.

We invite you to copy a giant... to join with the ranks of celebrity... to follow in the footsteps of the man who jumped overboard from the Titanic. Today, let Leonardo DiCaprio initiate you into the mysteries and the magic of... THE HANDWATCH™. 

Select portions of certain proceeds from a component of sales of TAGHeuer's THE HANDWATCH™ will go to benefit the National Resources Defense Council (NRDC). Other portions of proceeds will go to the Teach Leonardo DiCaprio How To Wear a Watch Foundation.

Poor Leo! Won't you help him, for mere dollars a day?

Meanwhile, Back at TempleSpa

via TempleSpa

BOSS: Ho, intern. Have you come up with anything remotely marketable this week?
INTERN: You bet your behind I have! OK, you ready for this?
BOSS: Ready for what?
BOSS: ...
INTERN: You know how you wake up in the morning?
BOSS: I know how I wake up in the morning.
INTERN: You know how you're hungry in the morning?
BOSS: I know.
INTERN: You know how you go, like, gee, wouldn't it be nice to have something to drink, but maybe, I don't know, something to EAT too?
BOSS: Uh...
INTERN: You know?
BOSS: Whatever. Go on.
INTERN: Like, wouldn't it be nice to eat and drink at the same time, kind of like a meal in a blender, kind of like...
BOSS: ...What?
INTERN: Wait for it...
BOSS: (Rolls eyes)
BOSS: A... breakfast smoothie? Your product is a smoothie?
INTERN: Well, it's not really a smoothie.
BOSS: And I suppose it's not really a breakfast?
INTERN: No, not really, not -
BOSS: - What the hell IS it??
INTERN: Well, here's what I'm thinking. Get this: it's... "mild, creamy... with scrubby bits."
BOSS: Scrubby bits? What the hell are... scrubby bits?
INTERN: Well hold on. It's also "super-abundant in natural ingredients."
BOSS: Super-abundant? Is that the same as 'a lot'?
INTERN: Well, wait, it also has a "professional skin-boosting spa formula."
BOSS: What does that mean? Skin-boosting?
INTERN: Oh yeah, did I mention it's also "non-abrasive"?
BOSS: Waaaait. Hold it. Didn't you say something like... scrubby bits?
INTERN: Wait, wait. ...Shit. You're right. The scrubby bits must be a little abrasive. Dang, I'll have to start all over again.
BOSS: (Sighing) No time. Send it to the factory now.

On the Back Porch at Dusk

RICHARD: Hey Sue. You think Oscar's having fun out there in the dark?
SUE: Yes, dear, I'm sure he's having the time of his life.
RICHARD: You think he's purring?
SUE: I don't know. Maybe? 
RICHARD: Hey Sue, you know what?
SUE: What?
RICHARD: You know what the most difficult thing about owning a cat is?
SUE: Changing the litter?
SUE: The smell?
SUE: Um... the hair everywhere?
RICHARD: Nope, nope. I think the most difficult thing is... knowing when it purrs.
SUE: ...Huh?
RICHARD: I mean, nothing looks different when Oscar purrs. He doesn't smile or anything. Or jump or wink at you or something.
SUE: But of course you can hear the -
RICHARD: - Oh! You know what would be AWESOME? Some kind of super-science detector thing, for PURRS!
SUE: Hmmm. I'm not sure if that's really -
RICHARD: - I got it! It could be a big steel cylinder, and you put your cat inside, and it displays these smiley faces on the sides when it detects your cat purring!
SUE: ...
RICHARD: Isn't that GREAT??
SUE: Well... wouldn't it be nicer to see Oscar instead of locking him inside some metal tube?
RICHARD: Ah. You're right... OK, it could be a big CLEAR box, and then it has a siren or something on top, and the alarm goes off when -

Two Hours Later

via SFXMachine
RICHARD: (Looking on laptop) Oh my gosh, I can't believe I found this online! Look at this: "lights up when your cat purrs!" And it says... "fun for everyone!" I know this'd be super-fun for us!!
SUE: Sure, dear... That's great.
RICHARD: Wait, look... "glows with each purr!" And... "also provides nighttime safety and visibility!" Isn't that wonderful? When Oscar's in the yard at night, he'll be able to SEE  and not bump into things, and we can look and see where he's playing in the dark, and...
SUE: Doesn't he have to be purring for it to light up?
RICHARD: Well... yeah.
OSCAR: (Jumps onto Richard's lap, pushes laptop off with paw. Begins to purr.)

Yet Again at TempleSpa (Seriously, TempleSpa??)

BOSS: What is it, lackey? I'm busy here.
INTERN: OK, boss, I guess you were right about the Breakfast Smoothie. That was a little off-topic. But I've got something much better today.
BOSS: Dear god, I really hope so.
INTERN: You're really going to like this. I give you... SELF DEFENCE!

via TempleSpa
BOSS: Whoa, is that a self-defence spray?? 
INTERN: Exactly!
BOSS: You made MACE???
INTERN: Well, no, it's more like -
BOSS: - Do you spray this into the eyes of your attacker?
INTERN: Actually, it sprays on the face and neck, and -
BOSS: Face and neck? What if Attack Man is wearing a scarf?
INTERN: You should let it dry before putting clothing on.
BOSS: Whaaat? Lemme see this. (Takes report) Hmmm, self-defence... "protects from harmful"... harmful bad guys, obviously... "anti-inflammatory"? I guess that's nice, though not really necessary... "preferably 30 minutes prior to" - wait, what the hell??
INTERN: 30 minutes prior to exposure.
BOSS: How the hell are you gonna spray Attack Man's eyes 30 minutes prior -
INTERN: - Face and neck.
BOSS: How you gonna spray his face and neck 30 minutes prior to the attack??
INTERN: Well, boss, you see, it's not for -
BOSS: - Not for us. You're exactly right. This fancy-pants mace is not for our company.
(Phone rings; boss picks up and talks for a minute, gesticulating wildly; slams phone down.)
BOSS: No time!? What does that mean, no time?? (Turning to intern) Gimme your plans. I can't believe I'm submitting this.

Now, the Good Gifts

For those of you sick of the World's Worst Gifts, and also crude commercial holiday shopping music, try this antidote on for size! Christmas Stomp presents the holiday classics you know and love (plus a few rare gems), stomped on and reshaped into swinging, jazzy hits! Says music writer Michael Steinman of Jazz Lives, "The music celebrates the season but it's nothing like the formulaic seasonal blare. No Rudolph, no drummer boy - just pleasure, ingenuity, and sly humor." Says fan L. Beck, "The main reason I'm excited that it's Christmas season again is so that I can listen to your Christmas album constantly. Is that weird?"

On sale now for only $10 at!

Also on sale: The Grand St. Express, the Stompers' debut album, is a rollicking ride aboard an express train, departing from a WWI-era ballroom, coasting through New Orleans classics, taking a detour into Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker territory, touring the blues-drenched Southern scenery of WC Handy, steaming along the cliffs of original rags, and dipping down into the hushed valleys of Tamar Korn's lush vocal ballads. All aboard!

On sale at!

Happy shopping holidays, everyone!

On to World's Worst Gifts, Part 2, including the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, Tanner the Dog Who Eats His Own Poop, the World's Most Pretentious Chocolate Bar, and much more!

*     *     *

I would like to add that someone recently discovered this post while searching the web for AAH OR AEEH OR "Allocation Education Enfant Handicapé". This is terrific, especially since they clicked through and presumably read this anyway. Here's how it showed up in search results:

AAH!! Aah!! Getting famouser!

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