December 11, 2013

World's Worst Gifts, Part 2

(continued from Exposé: Behind the World's Worst Gifts)

Don't Forget Your Kids!!

For your youngster lacking fine motor control of his hands, there's... THE DIPR™!!!

via the dipr

Says Founder and Inventor Robert Haleluk,
My favorite snack as a kid was Oreos and milk, but they would always break and fall into the milk if I dunked them for too long! As an adult, I still had the same problem so I set out to solve the issue and created the dipr. Now, all ages can enjoy the dunking experience without losing their cookies!
That's right, even if you're an ADULT who has this serious problem, the dipr™ is for you! Plus... best of all, you can eat right off of it*, so no more sticky fingers!

*Probably. Clinical trials show the probability of stabbing yourself in the mouth with the hook when eating right off it to be no more than 47%.

*    *    *

For your child who doesn't yet understand how eating and pooping are connected, there's... Barbie Forever Barbie Doll with Tanner the Dog™!!

via Amazon

REAL features include:
  • You can open Tanner's mouth and feed her dog biscuits
  • When Tanner has to go to the bathroom Barbie cleans up with the magnetic scooper*
*Hazard: magnets found by young children can be swallowed or aspirated.

And check out these reviews from ACTUAL CUSTOMERS!
"The dog eats, the dog poops, and then you use that as food again!"
- S. Berner

"If more than one magnet is swallowed, the magnets can attract each other and cause intestinal perforation or blockage, which can be fatal."
- Rene

"I love this! God bless America! Does this toy teach young girls moral lessons about the responsibilities of pet ownership and the importance of cleaning up their mess? Or, is the feces-eating devil dog teaching impressionable young kids that it's OK to consume their own excrement?"
- JB McCord
Also coming soon: Barbie Forever with Cybill the Vomiting Cat™!

*    *    *

For your child who wonders why the airport people touch Mommy and Daddy all over and even in their 'private places,' now there's... the Playmobil Security Checkpoint!!

via Amazon

But don't take my word for it...
"Get it now as soon it will no longer be available. TSA has requested that this product be removed from the market. It was deemed a security risk as it is virtually identical to the actual training material used to train TSA agents."

"This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room."
- M. McKnight

"I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5-year-old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!" But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital."
- LooseNut
via Amazon

*    *    *

And, for your older child who is becoming jaded about merely playing catch or throwing a frisbee, now there's... Floating Table-Tennis Set!

via SkyMall
That's right: now your child who's grown too big for his britches can "play a challenging game of table tennis right in your own pool... the deeper you go, the harder it is to serve and return the ball!" Or anchor the table in the deep end and watch your cocky back-talking teenager struggle and flail around!

*    *    *

Finally, for your self-important, egotistical first-time college student, there's... Overly Pretentious Chocolate Bars!

Not just any chocolate bar, these artisanal masterpieces require the following careful steps to be enjoyed (see the above close-up for detailed directions):
  1. Breathe
  2. See*
  3. Smell
  4. Snap
  5. Taste
*If your student is not already performing Steps 1-2, you should seek medical attention.

Founder and creator Katrina's description inspiration story behind the Chocolate Bacon Bar is particularly artful, and can serve as a lesson in itself for your college freshman enrolled in remedial English creative writing!
I began experimenting with bacon + chocolate at the tender age of 6, while eating chocolate chip pancakes drenched in Aunt Jemima® syrup, as children often do. Beside my chocolate-laden cakes laid three strips of sizzlin' bacon, just barely touching a sweet pool of maple syrup. And then, the magic - just a bite of the bacon was too salty and I yearned for the sweet kiss of chocolate and syrup, so I combined the two. In retrospect, perhaps this was a turning point; for on that plate something magical happened, the beginnings of a combination so ethereal and delicious that it would haunt my thoughts until I found the medium to express it - chocolate.

From there, it was just a matter of time... and what began as a love of salt and sweet quickly unraveled into an obsession.
We regret to note that, following this writing, Katrina's obsession with salt and sweet ultimately reached unhealthy and unnatural extremes, and she has since been committed to Pescadero State Mental Institution.

PLUS, These Bonus Gifts

Hamburgers For Very Small Airplanes!
Perfect for luring a small European airplane into the palm of your hand!

Miniature Tiger Microwave!
Perfect for making your miniature tigers glow orange-hot*!

*Warning: do NOT touch orange-hot miniature tigers. Model pictured here is a trained professional.

Floating Engine Hologram!
Oo! Ah! Hours of pointing fun! So sexy it's guaranteed to make men loosen their ties and women play with their hair!

via CNET
Shower Shades!
For those times your bathtub is just too damn bright! - Or those times you host a rave in your bathroom!

Now, the Good Gifts

For those of you sick of the World's Worst Gifts, and also crude commercial holiday shopping music, try this antidote on for size! Christmas Stomp presents the holiday classics you know and love (plus a few rare gems), stomped on and reshaped into swinging, jazzy hits! Says music writer Michael Steinman of Jazz Lives, "The music celebrates the season but it's nothing like the formulaic seasonal blare. No Rudolph, no drummer boy - just pleasure, ingenuity, and sly humor." Says fan L. Beck, "The main reason I'm excited that it's Christmas season again is so that I can listen to your Christmas album constantly. Is that weird?"

On sale now for only $10 at!

Also on sale: The Grand St. Express, the Stompers' debut album, is a rollicking ride aboard an express train, departing from a WWI-era ballroom, coasting through New Orleans classics, taking a detour into Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker territory, touring the blues-drenched Southern scenery of WC Handy, steaming along the cliffs of original rags, and dipping down into the hushed valleys of Tamar Korn's lush vocal ballads. All aboard!

On sale at!

Happy shopping holidays, everyone!

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