December 22, 2013

10 Ways to Mess With Kids on Christmas

When you dine next to little ones and are served any meat dish, jump back from the table and say "WHAT??! This is REINDEER meat!! How COULD you?? Santa won't be able to deliver presents now!"

Explain to kids that something terrible has happened to Santa, it's the same thing that happened to Grandpa before he died, he's gone crazy and he's not wearing his Santa suit anymore, and he's mad and yelling all the time, and there's something REALLY wrong with all the elves, they've turned evil and mean and they're fighting with everybody, it's just really, really bad. Then show them footage of Saruman and the orcs from Lord of the Rings.

"For Christmas I give you DEATH!!!"
(via Council of Elrond)

Because of the still-terrible housing market, take the initiative and construct your own home - out of gingerbread!! Decorate with gumdrops and bon-bons, trim with frosting, fence with licorice and tootsie rolls. Invite friends, family, the whole neighborhood! When parents aren't looking, snatch away the fat kids and cook them in the oven. Then serve to all the guests.

Whenever you're out with kids and see a homeless man with white hair, fall to your knees and say "Santa?! Oh NO! What HAPPENED???

While serving ice cream as part of dessert, scowl and say, "You know, kids, because of global warming, there's a world-wide ice cream shortage. This year they had to start killing snowmen like Frosty the Snowman and cutting them up to make more ice cream, so there would be enough for greedy, SELFISH (slam scoop on plate) little boys and girls who wanted more and more ice cream. Frosty and all the snowmen might be gone forever by next year. It's so sad... I hope you REALLY (slam!) enjoy this ice cream (shake head in anger)."

Whenever kids sing the Rudolph song, say to them afterwards, "I bet you don't know what happened after that! You see, about ten years ago, the government went to the North Pole and kidnapped Rudolph. They killed him and cut his nose into ten thousand little pieces, and made each piece into one of the red lights you see on the streets in traffic signals. It's sad, but driving safely is more important than just one reindeer. So remember Rudolph every time you see a red light."

Expect delays at Santa's factory.
(via USGS)

Show the wees ones a picture of the Arctic Ocean. Explain that this was where Santa's workshop was, but because of global warming everything melted and Santa and Mrs. Claus and even the elves all drowned. But the reindeer were able to fly away, and maybe (sniff sniff)... maybe they're celebrating Christmas in their own way, together in a forest in Canada somewhere, drinking maple syrup from the trees.

Explain to kids that snowmen are actually the last survivors of an ancient race. It's too warm for them now, so they can't even move around or eat things like they used to, so we can just ignore them, but things weren't always this way. A long time ago there was an Ice Age, and everything was very cold, and it snowed all the time, and everything was frozen. And back then, there were millions of snowmen, and only a few people, and the snowmen would put people in their front yards, and dress us up in clothes and push things into our eyes and noses, and when they got bored of playing with us they would eat us. I'm glad it's not the Ice Age anymore. But you know, even now, when a big snowstorm comes, sometimes I think I see that snowman across the street moving. Say... do you think he's a little closer to us now than he was yesterday?

"You know, I think you're old enough to hear now. Maybe you've heard adults whispering, or other kids say there's something you don't know about Santa. Well, here's the truth. See these pictures? This is Santa in the 1950s, when Mommy and Daddy were children. See how old he is? Like, seventy years old! Now it's 2013, sixty years later, so how old would he be? ...Right: he would be a hundred and thirty years old. But do you know how long people can live? No one lives to a hundred thirty. See, Santa died around 1985. We've been lying to you all these years. We're the ones that put things in your stockings, and presents under the tree. We even ate the cookies and milk so you'd think Santa came... But enough is enough. Now it's time to accept that Santa has died and is never coming back. Time to end the holiday forever. Sorry, kids. Merry Christmas! ...Oh, I guess we can't say that anymore."

~ OR ~

"How old do you think Santa is? Have you seen that old movie about Santa? Well, that was from like a hundred years ago, and he was really old in that movie. But look at this picture from today - doesn't he look the same? See, the truth is, Santa is a VAMPIRE! He never gets older, but he has to suck the blood from little children to survive. Before he was a vampire, his suit and his hat were all white, and candy canes were all white. But after he became a vampire, he got so bloody sucking blood from kids that his suit got stained with blood. Then he had an idea - he put blood stripes into candy canes, and he takes them with him everywhere he goes so he can snack on blood whenever he gets hungry. But on Christmas Eve, it's such a long night of work for him, and he can't really carry enough candy canes on his sleigh... So when he gets REALLY hungry, do you know what he does? He lands his sleigh on the next house, climbs down the chimney, sneaks into children's bedrooms, and - Oh! Did you hear a noise from the roof? Quick, you better get in bed!!"

And, for you patient folks: buy a skeleton from a medical surplus store, decorate it with fake blood and raw meat, set it upright in the front yard, build a snowman around it, and wait for the screaming in the spring.

Merry Christmas & have fun, kiddies!

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