Justice Fatigue

Deleted Scenes and Should-Be-Deleted Scenes from Justice League

***SPOILER ALERT***     ***SPOILERS BELOW***

[Queen Hippolyta and the Amazons work on a construction project.]
MENALIPPE: My queen, the chamber shall be completed as scheduled. Only…
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA: …Yes?
MENALIPPE: Do you not think the Mother Box would be safer inside a, a fortress, instead of a round theatre?
HIPPOLYTA: It shall suffice.
VENELIA: My queen, or what about in a vault deep underground?
HIPPOLYTA: No, no, this circular room is best. With the Mother Box on this central pedestal, we can keep arrows aimed at it from all angles.
VENELIA: If we’re in a circle, all pointing arrows at the center…won’t we be shooting each other?
MENALIPPE: My queen, also, about the plan to not have doors…
HIPPOLYTA: You mean heavy stone walls which will drop once their support logs are smashed with hammers?
MENALIPPE: Yes. Are you sure you just don’t want to use hinges? On big metal doors…maybe attached to a fortress?
HIPPOLYTA: This is the only way.

Chocolate For Every Kind of Mom

The world is a fountain overflowing with chocolate diversity. In order to pick juuust the right one for YOUR mother, simply answer the following questions:

	How busy is your mother?
A	Not at all, apparently, because she calls me every few hours, every day.
B	Kinda-sorta. Busy, but she had time to re-read the entire Harry Potter series.
C	Extremely. She's so busy doing things for me and others that sometimes she forgets to breathe.

If you answered C, then we recommend: Vosges Exotic Chocolate Bar!
Comes complete with a 5-Step Guide, including that crucial first step you don't want your mom to forget: breathing!

World's Worst Gifts, Part 2

(continued from Exposé: Behind the World's Worst Gifts)

Don't Forget Your Kids!!

For your youngster lacking fine motor control of his hands, there's... THE DIPR™!!!

via the dipr

Says Founder and Inventor Robert Haleluk,

My favorite snack as a kid was Oreos and milk, but they would always break and fall into the milk if I dunked them for too long! As an adult, I still had the same problem so I set out to solve the issue and created the dipr. Now, all ages can enjoy the dunking experience without losing their cookies!

That's right, even if you're an ADULT who has this serious problem, the dipr™ is for you! Plus... best of all, you can eat right off of it*, so no more sticky fingers!

*Probably. Clinical trials show the probability of stabbing yourself in the mouth with the hook when eating right off it to be no more than 47%.

Exposé: Behind the World's Worst Gifts

Read of the intern who created a lotion called AAAHHH!, the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, shampoo with food in it, Tanner the Dog Who Eats His Own Poop, the bizarre Japanese Watermelon Refridgerator Stroller, and much more!

---

At TempleSpa Headquarters

via TempleSpa

BOSS: Well, lackey, you've been working at TempleSpa™ for two weeks now. What've you got to show for it?

INTERN: Boss, I've got it. It's gonna be a hit. Get this: it's a soothing balm for aching feet and limbs.
BOSS: What's it called?
INTERN: AAAHHH!
BOSS: AAH!! Jesus Christ! What's the matter??
INTERN: No, sir, that's what it's called.
BOSS: What?
INTERN: It's called AAAHHH!
BOSS: Aah!! Mother of God, stop saying that!!
INTERN: That's the name of the balm, sir. No need to blaspheme.
BOSS: Let me get this straight. You named a soothing balm... "Aaaaaahhhh!!!"?!?
INTERN: Exactly. And here's the tagline: leaves tired legs, feet & limbs feeling "tingling and alive." Isn't that great?
BOSS: "Tingling and alive"? It makes your limbs feel tingling? Like nerve damage?
INTERN: Tingling... and alive.
BOSS: Instead of dead and numb?
INTERN: Yes. The tingling means it's working.

Disturbing Patterns

Slow down. Take it easy! Take time to smell the flowers. Smile! Look at the clouds! Don't miss the forest for the trees. In today's world, it isn't surprising we have so many disposable phrases that are essentially variations of: wake up from your stupor and look the fuck around you (this means you, tourist with face buried in map, friend obsessed with cell phone, guy sexting and driving). When we do emerge from our cyber- or other-cocoons, what we notice can range from the mundane to the highly amazing or disturbing, depending on the depth and breadth of our attention. Focused attention over time, in particular, can lead to the awareness of large trends.

For example, now, as I'm writing this, it's Wednesday. As I type, I notice Wednesday has two Es in it. Yesterday, Tuesday had only one E. Then, thinking back, Monday had none. Do you realize what is going on here? If I were a beast, even a domesticated animal, I might wait around to see what comes next, but as an intelligent human being, I can forecast and learn - I can use what I've seen before, recognize the trend, and extrapolate the future! What comes next? Obviously the day with three Es!

(click any picture to enlarge)

Clearly, this is a case of pure linear growth. 0, 1, 2, and next, tomorrow must have 3 Es. Theeresday? The day after that, which I've heard typically pronounced 'Fry Day' must be spelled with four Es: Freeeeday, Freedaeey, or perhaps Feereeday. Although I've heard talk of 'Satyr Day' and 'Sun Day' following Feereeday, I'm not really sure how to spell those with 5 and 6 Es respectively. No doubt some of you readers have had more schooling than me and will be able to offer corrections.

Rejected Stories By First-Graders

by Gordon

---

N. Hardwell
Editor, ABC Publishing

Mrs. Thompson
Dill Elementary School

July 1, 1987

Mrs. Thompson:

I recently received your submission "A Witch: a Collection of Creative Stories by Mrs. Thompson's First Grade Class" (facsimile below), along with the similarly-subtitled anthologies "I Am the Easter Bunny" and "Ladybugs." As I was between major editing projects, I was able to read through them rather quickly.

I should say start reading through them, because I was unable to make it all the way through any one submission. Frankly, your writers cannot be called 'First Grade' in any sense. Despite being somewhat inured to bad writing (thanks to decades in this cesspool of an industry), after reading "A Witch," I felt so nauseous I had to lay down to avoid vomiting. I had to restore my faith in human language by recalling Dr. Seuss rhymes and reading from a recipe book. I am now reconsidering my life.

Just Another Subway Ride (As Dreamt By an MTA Employee)

by Gordon

(Anyone know the photographer??)

CONDUCTOR: This is a Brooklyn-bound L train. Because of no construction, track maintenance, signal malfunction, or disruption, it will be making all scheduled stops. Next stop... Bedford Avenue.
GIRL: (Exiting) Oh, excuse me.
MAN: (Stepping aside) No, excuse me! Please exit the train before I get on. I find it's logical and much easier for everyone that way.
TANNOY: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
BOY NOT RUNNING OUTSIDE TRAIN: Oh, don't hold the doors; I'll catch the next one.
(Train moves)
MAN: (Standing up) Oh, miss? Would you like to sit down?
WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: No problem. I would happily give up my seat to a pregnant senior citizen war veteran quadriplegic any day! ...Wait? What am I talking about? Even though it's rush hour, there are plenty of small but comfortable seats still available in this car. I'll sit back down.
GIRL: Pardon me, would you mind if I took this seat in the middle of you two?
CLEAN-SMELLING GENTLEMEN OF AVERAGE SIZE: (Shifting stone statue of Buddha from seat to lap) Of course not.

Maybe in the next lifetime !!

AKA, Darnell Learns a Valuable Lesson

Well, this post is a bit of a topical departure, but simply HAS to be shared, as you'll see. If you must find a connexion to techno-sciency things, I'll share that at the very end. In any case, here's the long story slightly shorter...

A week ago, on tour, during break in the middle of a show, I notice this text from an unknown number on my phone:

I don't know a Darnell, my name is not Boo, and what is tagged? I figure it's a wrong number, and ignore it.

On the next break, I open my phone to see:

Ooooh shit. This guy has clearly not double-checked the number and this is some kind of incredibly awkward, desperate booty call text. I show my friends, and we discuss in amazement. Darnell likes what he sees, wants to get to know me "up close and personal!!" and "would really enjoyed" me, since he's no longer in a relationship. But a mere 13 minutes after his first message, it's "guess u don't have time for me."

You Autocomplete Me!

Or, A Second Paean to Google's Autocomplete
 

Earlier this year, we examined what little boys and girls in (or out of) love can learn from the mysterious, miraculous cupid that is Google Autocomplete (see that Valentine's Day post here). As we saw, in a creepy but hilarious way, Autocomplete knows us as a populace, as a culture, perhaps even better than we know ourselves.

Now in a significantly less educational but more bewildering exposé, I present some other gems brought to you by Autocomplete. This will be more of a grab bag, including some examples of pure inscrutable weirdness. But, after all, when we dump a few trillion searches into the black box of google's artificial hive brain, stir it around, stick in a spoon, and try a random taste, who knows what to expect?

Part the First: You Answered Your Own Question
In which one of your questions answers another. For example:

I'd like to see a double-blind study that compares the elephant-lifting diet to the Atkins.

"Oh, that's why."

The Translation Which Does Not Endeavor! (aka Effortless Translation)

A Review of Altavista's Babel Fish Translation Service (formerly at babelfish.altavista.com)
an oldie-but-goodie originally published in The Hyogo Times, Japan, 2003

The English-Japanese implementation of Babelfish produces some fairly odd yet mostly comprehensible sentences. Of course, the simpler the input, the better. Translations with colloquialisms or phrases with multiple meanings generally come out as Engrish or Nihonglish (or whatever you call the Japanese equivalent). Indeed, as suggested by engrish.com, if you use Babel Fish to translate and then un-translate an English phrase, the result reads like just so many Japanese T-shirts. For example:

Don't get mad - get even! *becomes* The stomach does not have to be raised, - profit do!

Don't get your panties in a bunch. *becomes* Your panties of the bundle you do not have to obtain.

Give me a break! *becomes* Be broken in me and give the eye!

Today's My Birthday!

(From The Perry Bible Fellowship)

The insults that wound us most deeply, and the jokes that amuse us most profoundly, are those that are true. Then in the rare outstanding case, something simultaneously wounds AND amuses us with its truth - and that explains why I love this comic, and sometimes share it with friends on their birthdays (c. now, Monica, Chris, Peter, Emily!). I do it not only to play the devil's advocate, and not only because of my devious streak, but because I think such memento mori are valuable.

We all know people who do their best work when faced with a deadline (ha). 'Limited time only' sales catch our eye. Scarcity suggests value. Yet so many people go about their lives as if their days were unlimited... until one day, they'll be (wait for it)... dead wrong.

I say, keep a healthy awareness of death! Celebrate and dance on your bed now (while you still can). Do what matters to you today. After all, it's your birthday.