February 14, 2013

Autocomplete Your Love Life This Valentine's Day!

Google search's Autocomplete is like the nerdy cousin of Autocorrect. The latter is more popular, partly because he knows you personally - via your typing habits - and partly because what he wreaks can be hilariously disastrous. Autocomplete, on the other hand, is seldom as funny, seldom gets as much attention, but he knows  - via your searching habits - not only you, but a few other BILLION people.

The latter is the guy we want on board today, St. Valentine's Day. The nerdy but vast wisdom of Autocomplete has so much to teach us: not only in the actual search results, but also in seeing what people search for - what they're curious about, what they don't know.

And the number one thing men and women don't know about? EACH OTHER. So now it's Autocomplete to the rescue! - For a crash course in men, women... and looove.

Disclaimer: I am a man, and hence there will be the taint of Manhood throughout my presentation and commentary. However, the actual search suggestions are YOUR FAULT, you billions of googlers.

PART 1: Myths and Misconceptions
Are the stereotypes true? Do we think they are?

Ladies first:

And now the gentlemen:
The answer to the last question, judging by the previous ones, is probably 'yes.'

And the parting shots?


PART 2: Focus on Women
Men are totally clueless. We're talking the most basic of basics here; but we are curious, and mystified. Are women magical?

Women engineers work on things like this.

Guys, really?

Yall eat ice?

No watches, umbrellas, driver licenses, or cars? - Must be so convenient!

Can't you give us at least a hint?

PART 3: Focus on Men
Apparently men are slightly less enigmatic to women than vice versa, at least judging from these criteria. Women's questions are more basic:
There is no answer: men don't shop. We just BUY shit.

Bags, pockets, and wallets: the last safe havens of men.
And the answer to #3: very little. See previous section.

PART 4: Getting Inside Our Heads
Searches that reveal more about the searcher(s) than anything else. For example, men are apparently concerned about whether they are perceived as:

Men are also curious about:

And now, how are women concerned they appear to men?

Ah-ha, getting crafty! Wouldn't you like to know? (We're not telling.)

Condoms, rocks, spaghetti, jello, KFC, and hurricanes? Classy, guys, classy.

Whoever he is, he's gonna have some major issues on Valentine's Day.

PART 5: Self-Improvement for Men
There is hope, fellas. By learning the following things which apparently most men don't do, we may become the gentlemen exceptions among beasts.

Unfortunately, these things were never covered in school.

Is this a big thing? Eating luna bars?

    These actually might be instructions on how to make up with a woman:
1. Say you're sorry.
2. Say I love you.
3. Shave your legs.
4. Settle down with her and only her.

PART 6: Self-Improvement for Women
Searches suggest that men would like ladies to work on the following entirely reasonable areas:

There you have it, ladies: learn to cook and do pull-ups, get along with your kids and fellow priests and drive them around, control your emotions except while playing hockey, and go on more submarines, dammit!

PART 7: Where to Start
First off, be faster doing the following things. Some of them you can even do today: it's Valentine's Day - why not?

Women: take a quick shower and then hurry up and get ready to not shop.

Men: For fuck's sake stop pooping, and just say I love you and propose already!

For both men and women: hurry up in the bathroom, hurry up and reply to messages, and don't keep your lover waiting.


*New: see the sequel post You Autocomplete Me!

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