April 17, 2013

You Autocomplete Me!

Or, A Second Paean to Google's Autocomplete
Earlier this year, we examined what little boys and girls in (or out of) love can learn from the mysterious, miraculous cupid that is Google Autocomplete (see that Valentine's Day post here). As we saw, in a creepy but hilarious way, Autocomplete knows us as a populace, as a culture, perhaps even better than we know ourselves.

Now in a significantly less educational but more bewildering exposé, I present some other gems brought to you by Autocomplete. This will be more of a grab bag, including some examples of pure inscrutable weirdness. But, after all, when we dump a few trillion searches into the black box of google's artificial hive brain, stir it around, stick in a spoon, and try a random taste, who knows what to expect?

Part the First: You Answered Your Own Question
In which one of your questions answers another. For example:
I'd like to see a double-blind study that compares the elephant-lifting diet to the Atkins.

"Oh, that's why."

Ah-ha, that's what it's for!

Now we know why. By the way, these are both absolutely true.

And, here's a searcher with a lot on her mind:
Your dog is probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with this person??

Part the Second: FAIL
Allow me to illustrate:

This is a whole class of FAIL which falls under the category of:

Me so angry! Why is people so stupid.

What I want to know is: is our children learning?

You did not need to google this. It's like googling "what do men enjoy shopping for" (remember?). Men say what they mean. And if you ever, ever, even CONSIDER googling "what do men mean when they say they don't enjoy shopping," you should seriously consider lesbianism.

Part the Third: You've Got Problems
I suggest a little mind-game in this section: try to imagine the kind of person that would search for these lists in their entirety, and what is going on in his/her life.

Must've been a hell of a dream....

It looks like you have West Nile Virus.

Obviously you need the new facebook, as well as a job working with people with no sense of smell.

We know Rule 34 and all, but man, that is really niche!

And for a final thought-experiment, picture meeting the person who was searching for all this, and hanging out with him/her for a day:

Part the Fourth: It Gets Worse
The following searches seem to snowball into a rolling wrecking ball of bad luck. Imagine this person talking to his/her mother, whose reassuring responses get weaker and weaker:

Perhaps in the school counselor's office:

The undergrad who's online again instead of doing her homework:

And this day just gets more and more depressing.

Part the Fifth: By the Way
And finally, some odds & end. Odd searches to find side-by-side, and an odd ending.

How could your date think Diamonds Are Forever is boring?

Yeeeaah that's a little bad.

The love poem printed via dot matrix usually gives it away.

And here you thought America was proudly Cholera-free.

And a final mystery - one of the most popular 'V' searches:

Alright, folks,

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