What Can You Now Do on Your Birthday?

Today I am older. It’s been a while now since I’ve been carded (thanks to facial hair), but were I to be, I’d point out I’m almost old enough to order 2 drinks at once! And YES, it definitely works that way. It’s the law.

In case you’re curious about YOUR next birthday milestone, here’s a list up to age 50 (it gets ridiculous after that). Which one(s) are you most looking forward to?

3D TUTORIAL: Aligning and Cropping Stereopairs

This is a ‘pure’ geeky (and unfunny) post for my stereophotography friends. If you’re unfamiliar with it, briefly: stereophotography is the art of taking 3D pictures, usually via a stereopair: two pictures—each representing the view of one eye—which, when fused, recreate the 3D scene. See a ton of examples I have made here: http://instagram.com/WorldOfDepth

Taking a Stereopair

Though there are specialized dual-lens stereocameras, you can take a stereopair with any camera in a sequential fashion: take one photo, then while keeping the camera pointed straight ahead, move to the left or right, exactly perpendicular to the camera view, 2-3 inches or 4-5 cm, and take another. You want:

• the magnification/zoom to be constant (don’t move closer/farther to/from the subject) 
• the top and bottom edges of the scene to be constant (don’t move or point up/down)

When you move sideways, things at the opposite edge of your view will get cut off slightly, of course; this is OK. Do NOT pivot the camera to compensate (this creates trapezoidal so-called keystone distortion).

What the Hell is a Scutoid??—a REAL Explanation

from Gómez-Gálvez et. al

If you’ve seen the recent headlines of “Scientists Discover NEW SHAPE!,” then you’ve been touched by bad science reporting.

If you skimmed an article or two and came away thinking, so what the f*ck is a SCUTOID, or, why the f*ck is a scutoid, it’s also not really your fault. Though the new-not-new scutoid is a fairly simple 3D shape, explaining why it exists and what it does involves referencing cellular biology, tiling, geometric projection, and Voronoi diagrams; in passing, entomology; and optionally, Steiner trees.

Here we go.

“Captain America: Civil War” Memes

I made these two years ago, but whatever.

Some may make sense only to swing dancers and/or jazz fans.

“The Force Awakens” vs. “The Cat Awakens”

Click on charts to enlarge. Without further ado…

“Going somewhere, Drum Solo? …Or just fucking around?”

Damaging Books For Impressionable Children

Don’t look for these at your local bookstore… 

---

after Hauman & Hauman

The Little Engine That Could But Wouldn’t

“I carry the likes of you? Indeed not!”
 
How sad all the dolls and toys felt!
 
“I won’t pull the likes of you!”
 
And the dolls and toys were ready to cry.

Better Person, Better Musician: Responses to the Venn Diagram

 

UPDATE: You can now order the poster, shown at left, at http://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/62141773! Also available are T-shirts, pins, magnets, stickers, mugs, coasters, postcards, and even a clock, notebooks, and more…


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Since I posted my PSA Venn Diagrams back in June 2015, hundreds of thousands of people have viewed it—well, at least one part of it. This particular diagram has been liked/shared in the upwards of 28,000 36,000 48,500 60,000 83,000 248,000 times on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, and the like:

The original Venn diagram.

 
Thanks to everyone who has shared it (without cropping out Pwuth!). Here are some of the greatest comments out there…

PSA Venn Diagrams

Well, it’s time again for another installment of visual aids!—this time, Venn Diagrams for the benefit of the General Public. Yes, through the exciting drama of circles that do and do not overlap, we will find the beginnings of true wisdom.


[UPDATE: a response to the ‘being a better person & musician’ diagram has now been posted at http://pwuth.blogspot.com/2015/08/better-person-better-musician-responses.html!]

Let’s start simple:

White ‘chocolate’ is not chocolate at all. It does not contain any cocoa solids. It may have cocoa butter, but then again, so do your chapstick and body lotion. NOT CHOCOLATE.

The (Robot) Love Doctor is ON

...In which 7-year-old Timmy seeks love advice from Artificially Intelligent Chatbots, including Jenny, Cleverbot, Santa Bot, Brain Bot, Cindy, Captain Kirk, Einstein, Dog Bot, Francois, Mitsuku, and Splotchy.

10 Ways to Mess With Kids on Christmas

When you dine next to little ones and are served any meat dish, jump back from the table and say "WHAT??! This is REINDEER meat!! How COULD you?? Santa won't be able to deliver presents now!"

Explain to kids that something terrible has happened to Santa, it's the same thing that happened to Grandpa before he died, he's gone crazy and he's not wearing his Santa suit anymore, and he's mad and yelling all the time, and there's something REALLY wrong with all the elves, they've turned evil and mean and they're fighting with everybody, it's just really, really bad. Then show them footage of Saruman and the orcs from Lord of the Rings.

Top 10 Ways to Fuck Up Thanksgiving

Giving Thanks, Part II (Part I)
Sail across the seas, meet native peoples, lie, steal land, plunder and pillage, desecrate women and children, decimate animal populations that have coexisted in delicate balance for centuries, pollute earth and sky and water, generally destroy whole ways of life.

Decline supping at the table in favor of efficiency! Scrape all the food and liquid from your plate into the blender, and prepare your very own "It's All Gonna Mix Together in Your Stomach Anyway" holiday shake. Plop down to watch football or some shit like that and never have to move again! (Note: make sure your straw is jumbo-size, and not a crazy straw. Meat tends to get backed up in the curves.)

Speaking of football, find a recording of last year's holiday game. At each crucial moment in the game, replace ten seconds of game footage with a commercial for laxatives or fiber cereals. Play from the beginning, hide all the remotes, and insist "there must be something wrong at the station." After the third commercial, stand up, saying "That reminds me," and head for the bathroom.

How to Mess With Kids on Turkey Day

Giving Thanks, Part I

"I mean - ha - you've heard of the Thansgiving Turkey, right kids? He was around when I was little, kind of like the Easter Bunny, but even better. He would bring baskets full of pumpkins and wonderful things to all the good little boys and girls Thanksgiving morning. But then, I don't remember quite when, he got lazy. He didn't do his chores at home. He didn't do his homework. He didn't listen to his parents and go to bed on time. He whined a lot. And finally, he lost his job as the Thanksgiving Turkey, and there hasn't been one ever since. Now every year on Thanksgiving we catch, slaughter, and eat his friends and children as revenge.
...Boy, it's a good thing you're not anything like the Thanksgiving Turkey, huh?"

"I'll tell you something. You know about recycling, right? Did you know that nowadays all our Halloween jack-o-lanterns are recycled to make all this pumpkin pie, and pumpkin pudding? It's pretty great. The only problem is, you know, those jack-o-lanterns stayed outside on the ground for a long time. A lot of bugs and worms and flies and maybe some BIG spiders probably crawled inside them. When we recycle those jack-o-lanterns we always forget to check inside - haha! We just grind everything up. Here - you want a piece?"

Disturbing Patterns

Slow down. Take it easy! Take time to smell the flowers. Smile! Look at the clouds! Don't miss the forest for the trees. In today's world, it isn't surprising we have so many disposable phrases that are essentially variations of: wake up from your stupor and look the fuck around you (this means you, tourist with face buried in map, friend obsessed with cell phone, guy sexting and driving). When we do emerge from our cyber- or other-cocoons, what we notice can range from the mundane to the highly amazing or disturbing, depending on the depth and breadth of our attention. Focused attention over time, in particular, can lead to the awareness of large trends.

For example, now, as I'm writing this, it's Wednesday. As I type, I notice Wednesday has two Es in it. Yesterday, Tuesday had only one E. Then, thinking back, Monday had none. Do you realize what is going on here? If I were a beast, even a domesticated animal, I might wait around to see what comes next, but as an intelligent human being, I can forecast and learn - I can use what I've seen before, recognize the trend, and extrapolate the future! What comes next? Obviously the day with three Es!

(click any picture to enlarge)

Clearly, this is a case of pure linear growth. 0, 1, 2, and next, tomorrow must have 3 Es. Theeresday? The day after that, which I've heard typically pronounced 'Fry Day' must be spelled with four Es: Freeeeday, Freedaeey, or perhaps Feereeday. Although I've heard talk of 'Satyr Day' and 'Sun Day' following Feereeday, I'm not really sure how to spell those with 5 and 6 Es respectively. No doubt some of you readers have had more schooling than me and will be able to offer corrections.

Slutty and Difficult Halloween Costumes

Advice to the wary: If your sensibilities are easily offended by hypothetical thought experiments meant to amuse, skip this post. Groups and peoples which may be offended herein include but are not limited to: Christians, athiests, Catholics, feminists, chauvinists, healthcare workers, WWII veterans, small children, old people, fans of Boris Karloff, French people, hospitalized patients, politicians, emergency relief workers, marine biologists, civil engineers, chefs, economists, little old ladies, costume designers, cat people, people with any moral dignity.

Difficult Halloween costumes are nothing new - witness last night, which saw this author pass such topical costumes as 'Closed National Park' and 'Debt Ceiling'; or think back to that one guy explaining his costume over and over again since it's based on a weak pun; or consider conceptual challenges such as 'nepotism,' 'infant mortality,' and similar phrases gleefully submitted by sadistic charades gamers. Meanwhile, slutty (or 'sexy' if you're being less offensive, which I'm not) costumes have been a staple for longer than sorority girls can remember - a tried and true formula for instant costume brainstorming: take anything, and make it slutty. Ta-da!! Related idea generators include of course transvestitism (applied to any strongly gender-associated outfit) and zombification (of anything).

Revised 'Compound Curse Words' Network Graph

by Gordon

Dear readers: Clearly, I should've done more market research on the 'Compound Curse Words' network graph from my last post. Many people have graced me since with utterly correct additions and thoughtful questions - many more than regarding my usual posts (I must say I'm impressed with everyone's passion and strong opinions about profanity). Below are some contributions.

To clarify, this was supposed to encompass compound words that are used as derogatory curses. I am omitting other 'bad words' that aren't usually directed at people, such as bullshit and jackshit (shithole, on the other hand, I believe is in the vernacular).

All Your Base Are Belong to Bell Curve: Graphing the World

by Gordon

And now, a return to sciencey goodness: the endless joy of graphing. Or rather, the joy of graphing that peaks at a certain optimal number of graphs, and drops off with increasing rapidity below or above that number. This is tricky business! - in essence, semantic calculus: extrapolating the relationship of two dynamic variables, at least one of which is usually complex and problematic (e.g. your happiness, your chance of being a circus performer). I hope my high school math teachers will appreciate this.

First up, some newer graphs (since some of these already appeared on spacebook). Let's start with improvising musicians:

That dip at the left is because if you play a solo with only one or two notes, you're either Wayne Shorter, or at least someone with overwhelming musical cojones.

Creepy Crawlies!

by Gordon
originally published as "Meet Your Neighbors: Bugs of Japan" in The Hyogo Times, 2003

Of the many wonders of Japan [or the American eastern seaboard], you may count the host of creepy-crawly, blood-sucking, gigantic poisonous insects as among your least favorite. Perhaps the likes of the semi, at least, you can tolerate - so long as they hum their unearthly serenade at a respectful distance from you; however, the moment a six-legged guest turns up at home, the standard aisatsu for most of us is AAAA SHIT, WHERE'S THE BUGSPRAY??? But, in your next encounter, why not stay your shoe for a moment, and reflect on what we can learn from these strange denizens of the East?

Asian Tiger Mosquito - link

The Mosquito

First honors go to the ka, Japanese for "blood-sucking fiend from Hell." It's really a summertime invader... but, nonetheless: shortly after I came to Japan, one of these somehow crept into my bedroom; that night, I woke up again and again, batting it away from my face (sort of like a really, really bad date). Around the sixth time, I finally dragged myself out of bed, turned on the light, rolled up a newspaper... but it had simply disappeared. The next night, I was attacked again and tried to find the culprit, and even used a paper fan to clear all the walls and ceiling (sleep-delirium, I suppose)... but to no avail. Prior to night #3, I searched the bedroom again - and... nothing. At that point I quarantined the room and slept elsewhere.

Rejected Stories By First-Graders

by Gordon

---

N. Hardwell
Editor, ABC Publishing

Mrs. Thompson
Dill Elementary School

July 1, 1987

Mrs. Thompson:

I recently received your submission "A Witch: a Collection of Creative Stories by Mrs. Thompson's First Grade Class" (facsimile below), along with the similarly-subtitled anthologies "I Am the Easter Bunny" and "Ladybugs." As I was between major editing projects, I was able to read through them rather quickly.

I should say start reading through them, because I was unable to make it all the way through any one submission. Frankly, your writers cannot be called 'First Grade' in any sense. Despite being somewhat inured to bad writing (thanks to decades in this cesspool of an industry), after reading "A Witch," I felt so nauseous I had to lay down to avoid vomiting. I had to restore my faith in human language by recalling Dr. Seuss rhymes and reading from a recipe book. I am now reconsidering my life.

Maybe in the next lifetime !!

AKA, Darnell Learns a Valuable Lesson

Well, this post is a bit of a topical departure, but simply HAS to be shared, as you'll see. If you must find a connexion to techno-sciency things, I'll share that at the very end. In any case, here's the long story slightly shorter...

A week ago, on tour, during break in the middle of a show, I notice this text from an unknown number on my phone:

I don't know a Darnell, my name is not Boo, and what is tagged? I figure it's a wrong number, and ignore it.

On the next break, I open my phone to see:

Ooooh shit. This guy has clearly not double-checked the number and this is some kind of incredibly awkward, desperate booty call text. I show my friends, and we discuss in amazement. Darnell likes what he sees, wants to get to know me "up close and personal!!" and "would really enjoyed" me, since he's no longer in a relationship. But a mere 13 minutes after his first message, it's "guess u don't have time for me."

When Mothers Ruled the Earth...

In honor of mothers everywhere, I'd like to take this day to point out something you may not have noticed before.

Do you see the pattern here (aside from the cartoonist getting lazier and lazier)? Everyone alive today has one mother, two grandmothers, four great grandmothers, and so forth: in each subsequent generation we trace backwards, there is twice the number of motherly ancestors. And this number grows quite rapidly: if we go back 7 generations, or about 175 years, we can extrapolate 64 great-great-great-great-great-grandmothers living around the 1830s for anyone alive today. How about around the time of the birth of the USA? In 1776, 237 years ago, or about 10 generations back, 512 great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmothers could be claimed by anyone today. That's a lot of Mother's Day cards.