March 31, 2013

How to Mess With Kids on Easter

The Easter Bunny's seen better days.
by Gordon (portions originally published 2012)

1) If you have a dog that destroys his toys: buy a stuffed animal white rabbit. Early Easter morning, bring your dog out to the back porch, give him the rabbit and allow him to rip it to shreds, scattering bits of fur and fluff far and wide. Maybe take a wicker basket and step on it and throw it nearby; break a few eggs on the ground. When the kids wake up, wonder aloud why there are no Easter baskets to be seen yet. Let the dog in and say, "Hey boy, what's that you got there? What's that piece of white fur in your mou - oh no. Oh NO. WHAT DID YOU DO???? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE EASTER BUNNY??? Oh no, kids, whatever you do, do NOT LOOK IN THE BACKYARD!!!"

2) Corner some children at a small egg hunt: "OK, kids, make sure you find all 446 eggs!"
An hour later, say "Still not yet? Oh boy... it's gonna be a lot harder to find them once it gets dark. And it's gonna be so cold, and raining... Come on, hurry up!"

March 21, 2013

The Translation Which Does Not Endeavor! (aka Effortless Translation)

A Review of Altavista's Babel Fish Translation Service (formerly at
an oldie-but-goodie originally published in The Hyogo Times, Japan, 2003

The English-Japanese implementation of Babelfish produces some fairly odd yet mostly comprehensible sentences. Of course, the simpler the input, the better. Translations with colloquialisms or phrases with multiple meanings generally come out as Engrish or Nihonglish (or whatever you call the Japanese equivalent). Indeed, as suggested by, if you use Babel Fish to translate and then un-translate an English phrase, the result reads like just so many Japanese T-shirts. For example:

Don't get mad - get even! *becomes* The stomach does not have to be raised, - profit do!

Don't get your panties in a bunch. *becomes* Your panties of the bundle you do not have to obtain.

Give me a break! *becomes* Be broken in me and give the eye!

March 19, 2013

Today's My Birthday!

(From The Perry Bible Fellowship)

The insults that wound us most deeply, and the jokes that amuse us most profoundly, are those that are true. Then in the rare outstanding case, something simultaneously wounds AND amuses us with its truth - and that explains why I love this comic, and sometimes share it with friends on their birthdays (c. now, Monica, Chris, Peter, Emily!). I do it not only to play the devil's advocate, and not only because of my devious streak, but because I think such memento mori are valuable.

We all know people who do their best work when faced with a deadline (ha). 'Limited time only' sales catch our eye. Scarcity suggests value. Yet so many people go about their lives as if their days were unlimited... until one day, they'll be (wait for it)... dead wrong.

I say, keep a healthy awareness of death! Celebrate and dance on your bed now (while you still can). Do what matters to you today. After all, it's your birthday.