How to Mess With Kids on St. Patrick’s Day

(Aside from watching the Leprechaun horror movies)
 

On St. Patrick’s Eve: “FYI, kids, remember they update the St. Patrick’s Day rules this year. Yeah, you remember from school: the Church of St. Patrick sets the rules, and they change every [10, 15, etc.] years. Usually they switch between easy and hard rules. So that old ‘wear green or you get pinched’—that’s obviously an easy one. I mean, we all have something kinda green, right? But this year—and I know you know this already—it’s wear something FOREST green or get your arms chopped off. Yeah, all that research and preparing we all did last month to get clothes with the exact right shade of forest green—that will really pay off. I’m glad you pay such close attention in school and heard about this from your teachers weeks ago. Oh yeah, don’t forget the day officially starts at midnight! Yay, it’s almost time.”

Easter Fools’ Day Pranks

For many of us, today marks the first EASTER FOOLS’ DAY in our lifetimes: the last time it happened was in 1956. Hope you’ve been busy brainstorming for the last 60 years… Let’s dive right in!

If you have swimming pool: find an Easter Bunny suit, or a large stuffed animal rabbit, tie weights to it, and sink it in the pool. Take several Easter baskets and eggs and fake grass and throw them in the water. On Easter morning, burst into the kids’ room and stammer tearfully, “Oh no oh no! There’s been a terrible accident!”

How to Mess With Kids: Halloween Edition

aka How to Seriously Traumatize Children For Life
aka Why I’m Never Allowed to Have Children, Ever
  ~ dedicated to the child upstairs who never stops running and jumping ~

Warning: scary photos below!

Wear an only moderately scary face mask. When you happen upon a child who seems scared of it, say “Don’t worry, don’t worry,” in soothing tones, “it’s just a mask. See?” Take it off and show them this underneath:

@_jessbel_ on Instagram

10 Ways to Mess With Kids on Christmas

When you dine next to little ones and are served any meat dish, jump back from the table and say "WHAT??! This is REINDEER meat!! How COULD you?? Santa won't be able to deliver presents now!"

Explain to kids that something terrible has happened to Santa, it's the same thing that happened to Grandpa before he died, he's gone crazy and he's not wearing his Santa suit anymore, and he's mad and yelling all the time, and there's something REALLY wrong with all the elves, they've turned evil and mean and they're fighting with everybody, it's just really, really bad. Then show them footage of Saruman and the orcs from Lord of the Rings.

Top 10 Ways to Fuck Up Thanksgiving

Giving Thanks, Part II (Part I)
Sail across the seas, meet native peoples, lie, steal land, plunder and pillage, desecrate women and children, decimate animal populations that have coexisted in delicate balance for centuries, pollute earth and sky and water, generally destroy whole ways of life.

Decline supping at the table in favor of efficiency! Scrape all the food and liquid from your plate into the blender, and prepare your very own "It's All Gonna Mix Together in Your Stomach Anyway" holiday shake. Plop down to watch football or some shit like that and never have to move again! (Note: make sure your straw is jumbo-size, and not a crazy straw. Meat tends to get backed up in the curves.)

Speaking of football, find a recording of last year's holiday game. At each crucial moment in the game, replace ten seconds of game footage with a commercial for laxatives or fiber cereals. Play from the beginning, hide all the remotes, and insist "there must be something wrong at the station." After the third commercial, stand up, saying "That reminds me," and head for the bathroom.

How to Mess With Kids on Turkey Day

Giving Thanks, Part I

"I mean - ha - you've heard of the Thansgiving Turkey, right kids? He was around when I was little, kind of like the Easter Bunny, but even better. He would bring baskets full of pumpkins and wonderful things to all the good little boys and girls Thanksgiving morning. But then, I don't remember quite when, he got lazy. He didn't do his chores at home. He didn't do his homework. He didn't listen to his parents and go to bed on time. He whined a lot. And finally, he lost his job as the Thanksgiving Turkey, and there hasn't been one ever since. Now every year on Thanksgiving we catch, slaughter, and eat his friends and children as revenge.
...Boy, it's a good thing you're not anything like the Thanksgiving Turkey, huh?"

"I'll tell you something. You know about recycling, right? Did you know that nowadays all our Halloween jack-o-lanterns are recycled to make all this pumpkin pie, and pumpkin pudding? It's pretty great. The only problem is, you know, those jack-o-lanterns stayed outside on the ground for a long time. A lot of bugs and worms and flies and maybe some BIG spiders probably crawled inside them. When we recycle those jack-o-lanterns we always forget to check inside - haha! We just grind everything up. Here - you want a piece?"

Maybe in the next lifetime !!

AKA, Darnell Learns a Valuable Lesson

Well, this post is a bit of a topical departure, but simply HAS to be shared, as you'll see. If you must find a connexion to techno-sciency things, I'll share that at the very end. In any case, here's the long story slightly shorter...

A week ago, on tour, during break in the middle of a show, I notice this text from an unknown number on my phone:

I don't know a Darnell, my name is not Boo, and what is tagged? I figure it's a wrong number, and ignore it.

On the next break, I open my phone to see:

Ooooh shit. This guy has clearly not double-checked the number and this is some kind of incredibly awkward, desperate booty call text. I show my friends, and we discuss in amazement. Darnell likes what he sees, wants to get to know me "up close and personal!!" and "would really enjoyed" me, since he's no longer in a relationship. But a mere 13 minutes after his first message, it's "guess u don't have time for me."

How to Mess With Kids on Easter

The Easter Bunny's seen better days.

by Gordon (portions originally published 2012)

1) If you have a dog that destroys his toys: buy a stuffed animal white rabbit. Early Easter morning, bring your dog out to the back porch, give him the rabbit and allow him to rip it to shreds, scattering bits of fur and fluff far and wide. Maybe take a wicker basket and step on it and throw it nearby; break a few eggs on the ground. When the kids wake up, wonder aloud why there are no Easter baskets to be seen yet. Let the dog in and say, "Hey boy, what's that you got there? What's that piece of white fur in your mou - oh no. Oh NO. WHAT DID YOU DO???? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE EASTER BUNNY??? Oh no, kids, whatever you do, do NOT LOOK IN THE BACKYARD!!!"

2) Corner some children at a small egg hunt: "OK, kids, make sure you find all 446 eggs!"
An hour later, say "Still not yet? Oh boy... it's gonna be a lot harder to find them once it gets dark. And it's gonna be so cold, and raining... Come on, hurry up!"