On the Nature of Progress

So our path to progress is two steps forward, five steps back. Nevertheless, we must continue to push the overall curve up and up, my friends.

Oh, and by the way: this is actually a graph of global temperatures from 1920 to 2016—the red dot at upper right is us now. Ha! Ha! We’re FUCKED.

[Global Mean Surface Temperature (January–June) from NASA GISTEMP; vertical range shown is approx. 1.5ºC; link here.]

Better Person, Better Musician: Responses to the Venn Diagram

 

UPDATE: You can now order the poster, shown at left, at http://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/62141773! Also available are T-shirts, pins, magnets, stickers, mugs, coasters, postcards, and even a clock, notebooks, and more…


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Since I posted my PSA Venn Diagrams back in June 2015, hundreds of thousands of people have viewed it—well, at least one part of it. This particular diagram has been liked/shared in the upwards of 28,000 36,000 48,500 60,000 83,000 248,000 times on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, and the like:

The original Venn diagram.

 
Thanks to everyone who has shared it (without cropping out Pwuth!). Here are some of the greatest comments out there…

PSA Venn Diagrams

Well, it’s time again for another installment of visual aids!—this time, Venn Diagrams for the benefit of the General Public. Yes, through the exciting drama of circles that do and do not overlap, we will find the beginnings of true wisdom.


[UPDATE: a response to the ‘being a better person & musician’ diagram has now been posted at http://pwuth.blogspot.com/2015/08/better-person-better-musician-responses.html!]

Let’s start simple:

White ‘chocolate’ is not chocolate at all. It does not contain any cocoa solids. It may have cocoa butter, but then again, so do your chapstick and body lotion. NOT CHOCOLATE.

World's Worst Gifts, Part 2

(continued from Exposé: Behind the World's Worst Gifts)

Don't Forget Your Kids!!

For your youngster lacking fine motor control of his hands, there's... THE DIPR™!!!

via the dipr

Says Founder and Inventor Robert Haleluk,

My favorite snack as a kid was Oreos and milk, but they would always break and fall into the milk if I dunked them for too long! As an adult, I still had the same problem so I set out to solve the issue and created the dipr. Now, all ages can enjoy the dunking experience without losing their cookies!

That's right, even if you're an ADULT who has this serious problem, the dipr™ is for you! Plus... best of all, you can eat right off of it*, so no more sticky fingers!

*Probably. Clinical trials show the probability of stabbing yourself in the mouth with the hook when eating right off it to be no more than 47%.

Exposé: Behind the World's Worst Gifts

Read of the intern who created a lotion called AAAHHH!, the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, shampoo with food in it, Tanner the Dog Who Eats His Own Poop, the bizarre Japanese Watermelon Refridgerator Stroller, and much more!

---

At TempleSpa Headquarters

via TempleSpa

BOSS: Well, lackey, you've been working at TempleSpa™ for two weeks now. What've you got to show for it?

INTERN: Boss, I've got it. It's gonna be a hit. Get this: it's a soothing balm for aching feet and limbs.
BOSS: What's it called?
INTERN: AAAHHH!
BOSS: AAH!! Jesus Christ! What's the matter??
INTERN: No, sir, that's what it's called.
BOSS: What?
INTERN: It's called AAAHHH!
BOSS: Aah!! Mother of God, stop saying that!!
INTERN: That's the name of the balm, sir. No need to blaspheme.
BOSS: Let me get this straight. You named a soothing balm... "Aaaaaahhhh!!!"?!?
INTERN: Exactly. And here's the tagline: leaves tired legs, feet & limbs feeling "tingling and alive." Isn't that great?
BOSS: "Tingling and alive"? It makes your limbs feel tingling? Like nerve damage?
INTERN: Tingling... and alive.
BOSS: Instead of dead and numb?
INTERN: Yes. The tingling means it's working.

How to Mess With Kids on Turkey Day

Giving Thanks, Part I

"I mean - ha - you've heard of the Thansgiving Turkey, right kids? He was around when I was little, kind of like the Easter Bunny, but even better. He would bring baskets full of pumpkins and wonderful things to all the good little boys and girls Thanksgiving morning. But then, I don't remember quite when, he got lazy. He didn't do his chores at home. He didn't do his homework. He didn't listen to his parents and go to bed on time. He whined a lot. And finally, he lost his job as the Thanksgiving Turkey, and there hasn't been one ever since. Now every year on Thanksgiving we catch, slaughter, and eat his friends and children as revenge.
...Boy, it's a good thing you're not anything like the Thanksgiving Turkey, huh?"

"I'll tell you something. You know about recycling, right? Did you know that nowadays all our Halloween jack-o-lanterns are recycled to make all this pumpkin pie, and pumpkin pudding? It's pretty great. The only problem is, you know, those jack-o-lanterns stayed outside on the ground for a long time. A lot of bugs and worms and flies and maybe some BIG spiders probably crawled inside them. When we recycle those jack-o-lanterns we always forget to check inside - haha! We just grind everything up. Here - you want a piece?"

Disturbing Patterns

Slow down. Take it easy! Take time to smell the flowers. Smile! Look at the clouds! Don't miss the forest for the trees. In today's world, it isn't surprising we have so many disposable phrases that are essentially variations of: wake up from your stupor and look the fuck around you (this means you, tourist with face buried in map, friend obsessed with cell phone, guy sexting and driving). When we do emerge from our cyber- or other-cocoons, what we notice can range from the mundane to the highly amazing or disturbing, depending on the depth and breadth of our attention. Focused attention over time, in particular, can lead to the awareness of large trends.

For example, now, as I'm writing this, it's Wednesday. As I type, I notice Wednesday has two Es in it. Yesterday, Tuesday had only one E. Then, thinking back, Monday had none. Do you realize what is going on here? If I were a beast, even a domesticated animal, I might wait around to see what comes next, but as an intelligent human being, I can forecast and learn - I can use what I've seen before, recognize the trend, and extrapolate the future! What comes next? Obviously the day with three Es!

(click any picture to enlarge)

Clearly, this is a case of pure linear growth. 0, 1, 2, and next, tomorrow must have 3 Es. Theeresday? The day after that, which I've heard typically pronounced 'Fry Day' must be spelled with four Es: Freeeeday, Freedaeey, or perhaps Feereeday. Although I've heard talk of 'Satyr Day' and 'Sun Day' following Feereeday, I'm not really sure how to spell those with 5 and 6 Es respectively. No doubt some of you readers have had more schooling than me and will be able to offer corrections.

Swing Out New Hampshire 2013 Skit

AKA "The Completely True Story Behind This Year's Musicality Clinics"

Swing Out New Hampshire is a week-long swing dance event held at Camp Wicosuta each fall. Here was my contribution to the camp talent show, in which I somehow convinced the organizers and other key people involved (Mark Kapner, Gordon Au, Gordon Webster, and Mike Thibault) to mercilessly mock themselves. Thanks to them for being such good sports about it, to Josh and Cassidy for the video (see it HERE), to Kelsey for brainstorming, and to the wonderful cast:

~ FEATURING ~

AS THEMSELVES...	Mark Kapner, Mike Thibault, Gordon Webster, Gordon Au, Emily Vanston
NARRATOR...	Gordon Au
DR. LIVINGSTON...	Nathan Bugh
DOCTORS...	Walter, Cassidy Holden
HEAD MONK...	Aurora Nealand
MONKS...	Kari, Rob Adkins, Natalie D, Isabel Hagen

 *     *     *

NARRATOR: We are now proud to present our reënactment of the absolutely TRUE story behind this year's musicality clinics. The following are the COMPLETELY true events of exactly one week ago. Our first tableau is somewhere in the jungles of Africa...

Rejected Stories By First-Graders

by Gordon

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N. Hardwell
Editor, ABC Publishing

Mrs. Thompson
Dill Elementary School

July 1, 1987

Mrs. Thompson:

I recently received your submission "A Witch: a Collection of Creative Stories by Mrs. Thompson's First Grade Class" (facsimile below), along with the similarly-subtitled anthologies "I Am the Easter Bunny" and "Ladybugs." As I was between major editing projects, I was able to read through them rather quickly.

I should say start reading through them, because I was unable to make it all the way through any one submission. Frankly, your writers cannot be called 'First Grade' in any sense. Despite being somewhat inured to bad writing (thanks to decades in this cesspool of an industry), after reading "A Witch," I felt so nauseous I had to lay down to avoid vomiting. I had to restore my faith in human language by recalling Dr. Seuss rhymes and reading from a recipe book. I am now reconsidering my life.

A New York Moment

A True Story, as poorly recalled by Gordon

Times Square, around 1AM

GUY: Ohh sorry can I bother you to take a picture please? Of me and my dog.
GIRL: Sure!
ME: Of course.
GUY: It's actually for my boyfriend. He's relaxing at home and making me walk his dog.
GIRL: Haha.
GUY: He's just sitting there and I'm out... walking his dog... in the middle of the night.
ME: Haha...the things we'll do for love!
GIRL: So where do you want it?
GUY: Here is fine. [Strikes multiple butt-centric modelesque poses]

Maybe in the next lifetime !!

AKA, Darnell Learns a Valuable Lesson

Well, this post is a bit of a topical departure, but simply HAS to be shared, as you'll see. If you must find a connexion to techno-sciency things, I'll share that at the very end. In any case, here's the long story slightly shorter...

A week ago, on tour, during break in the middle of a show, I notice this text from an unknown number on my phone:

I don't know a Darnell, my name is not Boo, and what is tagged? I figure it's a wrong number, and ignore it.

On the next break, I open my phone to see:

Ooooh shit. This guy has clearly not double-checked the number and this is some kind of incredibly awkward, desperate booty call text. I show my friends, and we discuss in amazement. Darnell likes what he sees, wants to get to know me "up close and personal!!" and "would really enjoyed" me, since he's no longer in a relationship. But a mere 13 minutes after his first message, it's "guess u don't have time for me."