June 30, 2013

A New York Moment

A True Story, as poorly recalled by Gordon

Times Square, around 1AM

GUY: Ohh sorry can I bother you to take a picture please? Of me and my dog.
GIRL: Sure!
ME: Of course.
GUY: It's actually for my boyfriend. He's relaxing at home and making me walk his dog.
GIRL: Haha.
GUY: He's just sitting there and I'm out... walking his dog... in the middle of the night.
ME: Haha...the things we'll do for love!
GIRL: So where do you want it?
GUY: Here is fine. [Strikes multiple butt-centric modelesque poses]

June 21, 2013

Papers Recovered From the 2nd Death Star

by Gordon

Hello and Welcome to the

We strive to offer you the freshest, healthiest, tastiest cuisine possible... while staying true to our Lord Vader's call of death to all who resist the Glorious Empire! Don't tell us "I find your lack of options... disturbing!" since all-mineral diet and zablorx-free options are available upon request. Please present any Star of Death coupons to your server before ordering.

~ Seasonal Specials ~

Tender young vegetable shoots that taste just like they were freshly gathered on a distant jungle moon somewhere beyond the reach of the Glorious Empire, where laughter and singing and dancing and anarchy filled the air... do you remember that? DO you? Are you actually considering ordering this? Then prepare to DIE, REBEL SCUM and TRAITOR to the EMPIRE!! (Torture droids have been alerted.)

June 19, 2013

Just Another Subway Ride (As Dreamt By an MTA Employee)

by Gordon

(Anyone know the photographer??)

CONDUCTOR: This is a Brooklyn-bound L train. Because of no construction, track maintenance, signal malfunction, or disruption, it will be making all scheduled stops. Next stop... Bedford Avenue.
GIRL: (Exiting) Oh, excuse me.
MAN: (Stepping aside) No, excuse me! Please exit the train before I get on. I find it's logical and much easier for everyone that way.
TANNOY: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
BOY NOT RUNNING OUTSIDE TRAIN: Oh, don't hold the doors; I'll catch the next one.
(Train moves)
MAN: (Standing up) Oh, miss? Would you like to sit down?
WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: No problem. I would happily give up my seat to a pregnant senior citizen war veteran quadriplegic any day! ...Wait? What am I talking about? Even though it's rush hour, there are plenty of small but comfortable seats still available in this car. I'll sit back down.
GIRL: Pardon me, would you mind if I took this seat in the middle of you two?
CLEAN-SMELLING GENTLEMEN OF AVERAGE SIZE: (Shifting stone statue of Buddha from seat to lap) Of course not.

June 16, 2013

The Amazing Adventures of Train Boy!


MOTHER: Do you know who loves you, little boy?
BOY: Goo-goo ga-ga choo-choo.
MOTHER: Of course you do. Mommy loves you, and Daddy loves you! And who do you love, my little angel?
BOY: Chugga chugga.


BOY: Daddy goes here.
FATHER: OK. Now you're gonna... you're gonna sit on me? OK, time for a horsey ride!
BOY: No. Train ride!
FATHER: Oh. OK. Well here we go - vroom, vrooom, vrooom! -
BOY: No! Chugga chugga chugga chugga.
FATHER: Oh, right. OK. Chugga chugga toot toot!
BOY: Noo! Woo-wooooo!
FATHER: OK, OK, I got it already. Chugga chugga woo-hoo.
BOY: No! Woo-WOOOO!!
FATHER: Woo-woo, boo-hoo, what's the difference anyway -

June 13, 2013

Maybe in the next lifetime !!

AKA, Darnell Learns a Valuable Lesson

Well, this post is a bit of a topical departure, but simply HAS to be shared, as you'll see. If you must find a connexion to techno-sciency things, I'll share that at the very end. In any case, here's the long story slightly shorter...

A week ago, on tour, during break in the middle of a show, I notice this text from an unknown number on my phone:

I don't know a Darnell, my name is not Boo, and what is tagged? I figure it's a wrong number, and ignore it.

On the next break, I open my phone to see:

Ooooh shit. This guy has clearly not double-checked the number and this is some kind of incredibly awkward, desperate booty call text. I show my friends, and we discuss in amazement. Darnell likes what he sees, wants to get to know me "up close and personal!!" and "would really enjoyed" me, since he's no longer in a relationship. But a mere 13 minutes after his first message, it's "guess u don't have time for me."