May 10, 2014

Chocolate For Every Kind of Mom

The world is a fountain overflowing with chocolate diversity. In order to pick juuust the right one for YOUR mother, simply answer the following questions:

How busy is your mother?
A Not at all, apparently, because she calls me every few hours, every day.
B Kinda-sorta. Busy, but she had time to re-read the entire Harry Potter series.
C Extremely. She's so busy doing things for me and others that sometimes she forgets to breathe.

If you answered C, then we recommend: Vosges Exotic Chocolate Bar!
Comes complete with a 5-Step Guide, including that crucial first step you don't want your mom to forget: breathing!

A, B: Well, how about…

What is your mother all about?
A She’s all about forgiveness. After saying sorry and meaning it, that is.
B She’s all about stopping and starting fresh, because everyone deserves a second chance.
C She’s all about grandchildren—the sooner, the better.

If you answered B, then look—how convenient: Heidi Cranberry!

Also good for bear/tiger mothers who are all about strength.

For your A & C mothers, let’s try

How much does your mother like chocolate?
A She doesn’t. But my father does, and I’m lazy.
B She lives what I like to call a “chocolate lifestyle.”

If you answered B, then look no further: the answers is clearly the Vosges Chocolate Lifestyle House!

From the Vosges Chocolate Story

NB: you may have to wait a while, as the Platinum LEED green-certification process is kind of taking a back seat to all the chocolate eating and other…chocolate lifestyle thingies going on in the house.

OK, A responders, don’t despair yet…

Does your mother prefer to sense or experience things?
A Sense things. She’s also a very optimistic person.
B Experience things. Because there’s no replacement for experience, you know.

If you answered A, then we recommend: Heidi Dark Orange!

NB: Note that certain stores may incorrectly label this chocolate as Heidi Dark Grey. Also: not great for mothers worried about age-related vision loss.

If you answered B, then your mom needs Katrina Markoff’s Chocolates!

From Vosges Chocolate

Just how does this experiential chocolate differ from ordinary, non-experiential chocolate, you ask? Well… if we had to guess, perhaps the ‘experience’ has something to do with smiling a lot and holding your head crooked, and maybe grabbing… sponges? Rocks? Wait—maybe that’s the experiential chocolate there? And you can grab it, or climb on it, in addition to eating it?

Moving right along…

What does your mother value above all?
A Health. She’s constantly ‘aqua jogging’ and taking some class about spinning around.
B Luxury. She loves to indulge; and, after raising me, has certainly earned it.
CCulture. She’s an avid reader of National Geographic, and is always learning new languages.

If you answered A, then get your fit mom the Molinillo Frothing Stick! 

From the Vosges Chocolate FAQ

NB: Don't forget the special vessel with a narrower top than bottom. Also: not great for impatient moms. Great, however, for survivalist moms practicing fire-starting.

If you answered B, then how about the Volupté Heart Caramel Bonbon Collection!

From Vosges Chocolate

For unrivalled, unparalled gourmet exclusivity.*

*Description may not be actual, official description of final product available for sale

If you answered C, then we again recommend: Katrina Markoff’s Chocolates!

From the Vosges Chocolate Story

And here you thought nurturing awareness of and appreciation for the world’s diverse cultures would take travel, or reading, or education. Pshaw! Furthermore:

From the Vosges Chocolate Story

And just why is National Geographic rating chocolate, you ask?… Well, we’re glad you asked that question! Let us know when you find the answer.

Now let’s see here… how about:

How conventional is your mother?
A She likes to push boundaries. Like opening the door when I’m sitting on the toilet.
B She’s a born rebel and rule-breaker. Which isn’t really fair since she never let me break rules.
C She seeks new and creative ways to interact with the world.
D She prefers to read stories, rather than make her own.

If you answered A, then once again, go with reigning champion Vosges Haut-Chocolat!

From the Vosges Chocolate Story

And just what exactly… is taking risks and pushing the boundaries of chocolate conventions, you ask? Well, we’re quite glad you asked that! Exhibit A:

From the Gallery at Artisan Square

If you answered B, then get your rebel mom Katniss: the Chocolate!

From Vosges Chocolate

Just how exactly does one experience the act of rebellion through chocolate, you ask?… Well, we don’t know about this chocolate bar, but here’s one way:

From Home Spun Juggling / Marina

If you answered C, then we must steer you again towards Vosges Haut-Chocolat!

And just what do these new and creative ways of interacting with the world entail, you ask?… Do they mean like:

From Don't Panic

From Compagnie Willie Dorner

If you answered D, then your avid reader mom deserves a Truffle!

From Vosges Chocolate

NB: Make sure to have a suitable storytime book on hand. Maybe Are You My Mother?

And now, lastly…

What is your mother’s dream, her fantasy story?
A To get sucked inside a magical book, like in The Neverending Story, and have all sorts of thrilling, rather un-mom-like adventures.
B To have one single, perfect, timeless moment, frozen for all eternity like a beautiful ice waterfall of love. Or in other words, to be able to manipulate time like Doctor Who.
C To live forever, living a deathless dream through the ages, seeing the rise and fall of empires, and knowing what it is to lose and outlive all whom you love. But in a romantic mom-movie kind of way.

If you answered A, then get your mother The Capitol Collection!

From Vosges Chocolate

NB: This may not be the most mom-friendly alternate reality in which to get sucked.

If you answered B, then get your timelord timelady mom some Ghirardelli Hazelnut Heaven!

If you answered C, then get your romantic mom some Lindt Sprüngli Chocolates!

The mysterious Mr. Lindt Sprüngli, who has been a Master Chocolatier since he studied the craft in 1845 in Transylvania, would love to send your mother some Chocolate With Blood… Orange Pieces. Blood Orange, he meant to say. Who knows—you may get to celebrate Mother’s Day for all of eternity!

And there you have it: a chocolate for every mom! A voice for every person! A smile for every child! A rainbow for every rain!

Now go get some chocolate for Mom. Happy Mother’s Day!

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