July 6, 2013

Comics by 9-Year-Olds: Conversations with Robotron

Time for another treasure from the attic boxes... this time, the homemade comic book that started it all, yes: the legendary ROBOTRON #1, circa 1990. I think the Robotron series went up to #5 or 6, before giving way to the 'Morph Man' series and its spinoffs, and various superhero fan comics. Robotron had a companion / friend in a parallel galaxy named Robobot (penned by my best friend Doug), with whom he joins forces in the sequel.

Anyway, please enjoy....

AKA, Adventures in (Poor) Space(ing of Letters)

BOY: So Mr. Robotron, are you really from Guidi Prime?
ROBOTRON: Yes, son, I am.
BOY: Like Giedi Prime from "Dune"?
Uh, yes.
BOY: So, what do you think of the slavery of the Spice Worms on Arrakis? Did you grow up next to the evil Baron? Do you believe in the Messiah myth?
Uh... look, kid, just let me sign your poster.

You see, theTronotors have trouble using spaces between words, which is why they became so violently angry.

471-3198: wut's up, this is They're pyro
970-0001: whos this
471-3198: Therein it
471-3198: They romp FUCK
970-0001: whats wrong with u
471-3198: theToronto damn it stupid phone
471-3198: T R O N O
970-0001: i dont know anyone from toronto who is this
471-3198: thetromotors GODAMMIT
970-0001: pls stop txting me
471-3198: Theatre motors FUCK this FARTING auto
970-0001: go away
471-3198: FUCK U i will blow up yr FOCKING planet !!!

Uhh hyper, super... not sure which word to use... use BOTH!
And yes, Robotron can out-sightsing any undergrad voice major - he's ROBOTRON.
And don't tell me this jet is flying, not hovering I WILL KILL YOU.

CADET: Uh, boss, I've got signals on radar.
ROBOTRON: What is it?
CADET: Uh, way up in the right corner, there are these little black and white flecks...
ROBOTRON: Flecks? Like holes?
CADET: Yeah.
ROBOTRON: OK, those are staple holes. This is printed on scratch paper. Anything else?
CADET: Uhh yeah, there are these other things that look like... cell phone signal bars, only... upside down... and there are a lot of them.
ROBOTRON: OK, those are SPACESHIPS. Where are they?
CADET: OK, the ships are... about to run into a bunch of circles... that are growing bigger and coming from a flashing red dot...
ROBOTRON: What flashing red dot?
CADET: The dot says 'Guidi Prime.'
CADET: Oh wait, sorry, I made a mistake!
CADET: The ships aren't running into the circles, they're passing over the circles, and I guess... they're coming towards us.
ROBOTRON: Fucking FUCK arm the lasers!

Are we in an X-Wing? I thought we were in Robotron's hypersonic-supersonic hoverjet that doesn't hover.

CADET: You OK, boss? We took a hit, but I think we just got electrocuted, that's all, luckily. Good thing there are no important electronics on board to get messed up or short-circuited by electrocution.
CADET: ...Boss?

I think this the best my cursive writing ever looked in my life. If I duplicated this sentence now, you'd think now-Me was the third grader.
I think the cursive script means this is a pretty serious text-only interlude.

Have you noticed that this comic book has used only two colors - black and red? With only a little squiggle of yellow electricity a few pages back. Well, you see, times were tough back then. They really only made black and red crayons. Yellow was horribly expensive, as was electricity. I could only work on this comic when the price of crayons was low and there was a full moon.

ROBOTRON: Why would I need a stupid expensive heads-up display upgrade just to tell me when I AM or AM NOT firing?
ENGINEER: Well, you see, it's important to have the latest version of your OS, in case there are bugs or - KABOOOOM!
ROBOTRON: AAaaa! Did I do that??
SALESWOMAN: The software's just a precaution, just an extra layer of insurance. And really, a little peace of mind is worth so much more than - KAKABOOOOOM!!!
ROBOTRON: AAA! Damn it, I thought I was in non-firing mode!!
ROBOGIRL: It's so nice to see you again! It's been altogether too long since - KAAABOOOOM!!!
ROBOTRON: AAAaaaaarg FUCK FUCK!! Where the fuck do I get that stupid upgrade?

That's "up one tank's exhausts." And where are the exhausts? In the tank's butt, duh.

Suck it, Robocop!!!
Out of curiosity, is it the control unit or the main microchip that's located in the android's crotch?
We're still using X-Wing cockpit view, for continuity.
The text you can see on the reverse is probably purple print from an 80s-era ditto machine. This is probably some school notice.

Ah yes. It's a letter about Parent Club meetings from the Parent Club President. No-nonsense Parent Club meetings: "All meetings will begin promptly at 7:00 PM."

As leader of theTronotors, thebigbrain is sadly and ironically as unable to use spaces as his underlings.

Thebigbrain's other major failing is the surprisingly unwise decision to live in an overturned fishbowl with easily fuck-withable energy feed knobs, and no weapons. That, and his habit of inviting his enemies to come "meet up" with him at home, for, you know, a little chat or something.

THETRONOTOR: Dammit, thebigbrain, we have a war room for that! And you have a BATTLE TANK! Why not meet Robotron in your Battle Tank, in the war room or anywhere else, and blow him up??
THEBIGBRAIN: Too late, I already invited him here.

The center of intelligence behind the plot of conquering the universe lives in the center of a microwave oven.

Do you see that THE ARROW BROKE??  Yeah, attention to detail!

Awww shit...

The heat has softened up the fishbowl, and all the fancy energy feed knobs and energy meter and warning lights have exploded - quick, now is the time to STRIKE!

That is not bubble wrap. Nor is it a side-scroller death pit. That is two throngs of cheering crowds lining a parade street, down which Robotron will surely be walking, as seen from overhead.
Are you impressed with the overt 3-dimensional realism of the bottom of the red balloon?? Cause I think I was pretty fucking proud of that.

(Later, at home)
ROBOTRON: Welp, home planet got blown up, shot some spaceships, shot some tank butts, android crotches, and messed with the buttons on TheBigBrain's aquarium until he died. Then I shot him and he exploded. Hell of a day. I saved the universe.
MRS. ROBOTRON: What about Guidi Prime - our homeworld?
ROBOTRON: I saved... the rest of the universe. Oh yeah, guess that's why none of our friends or family were at the parade...
MRS. ROBOTRON: And you know the universe is awfully big, right? Countless trillions upon trillions of galaxies? Did you really save the entire universe?
ROBOTRON: OK. I saved our galaxy.
MRS. ROBOTRON: And you know there are trillions of stars in our galaxy, many with dozens of planets, spread out over inconceivably vast distances? Did you save ALL those trillions of stars?
ROBOTRON: OK, OK. I saved our solar system, and maybe the next closest one. The Tronotors were evil little bastards, alright?? What do you want from me? Can't you just say you're proud of me, and thank you for working so hard all day long?
MRS. ROBOTRON: Oh, I suppose I've been doing nothing all day. It's not like the house blew up, or the city was destroyed, or the planet EXPLODED INTO FIERY CHUNKS!!! 

TO BE CONTINUED... in Robotron 2: Revenge of the Tronotors!

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