June 16, 2013

The Amazing Adventures of Train Boy!


MOTHER: Do you know who loves you, little boy?
BOY: Goo-goo ga-ga choo-choo.
MOTHER: Of course you do. Mommy loves you, and Daddy loves you! And who do you love, my little angel?
BOY: Chugga chugga.


BOY: Daddy goes here.
FATHER: OK. Now you're gonna... you're gonna sit on me? OK, time for a horsey ride!
BOY: No. Train ride!
FATHER: Oh. OK. Well here we go - vroom, vrooom, vrooom! -
BOY: No! Chugga chugga chugga chugga.
FATHER: Oh, right. OK. Chugga chugga toot toot!
BOY: Noo! Woo-wooooo!
FATHER: OK, OK, I got it already. Chugga chugga woo-hoo.
BOY: No! Woo-WOOOO!!
FATHER: Woo-woo, boo-hoo, what's the difference anyway -
MOTHER: Well! I see my boys are having fun in here. Cowboys and Indians? Is Daddy your horsey?
MOTHER: Oh, I see!...
BOY: Mommy is caboose!
MOTHER: Oh, I'm the caboose car? OK, what do I do?
BOY: Mommy goes here.
MOTHER: Behind Daddy? Alright. Now what?
BOY: Chugga chugga chugga!
MOTHER: Uh, chugga chugga chugga?
BOY: Yes!
FATHER: Chugga chugga toot toot!
MOTHER: Toot toot!
BOY: Noooo!!


STEVIE: Fi-fighter!
TEACHER: A firefighter? That's wonderful, Stevie! And, what about you, Melissa?
MELISSA: I wanna be uh asto-naut!
TEACHER: An astronaut - how special! Wouldn't that be fun. And you, my little sir? What would you like to be when you grow up?
TEACHER: ...Do you mean someone who drives trains - a train conductor?
BOY: No! Train!
TEACHER: ...I mean, there are train engineers, and train conductors, and train passengers, of course -
STEVIE: A train rider.
TEACHER: Exactly, Stevie, there's -
BOY: Wanna be a TRAIN!!
TEACHER: ...Oh dear. Isn't that so precious. You want to be a train. Well... who am I to tell you can't be what you want to be?
BOY: I'll be a train!! Woo-woooo! Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga (runs around room).
MELISSA: ...You're weird.


CONDUCTOR: 11 o'clock from San Francisco - all ABOAAARD!
FATHER: Aaand, here we go!
BOY: Listen - he's about to blow the whistle!...
MOTHER: Listen to that whistle blow! What a beautiful morning. This is so much fun. Thanks for planning this!
FATHER: Yes, I'm glad you convinced us to take this train, son. This will be a nice way to get to Disneyland.
BOY: Sure is! The train is so much more convenient than driving or flying. It's nice and quiet, and smooth, and no turbulence, and pretty fast, I guess...
MOTHER: What time are we due in Anaheim?
BOY: Uh... 2PM.
FATHER: Wow! That is seriously fast! Isn't that only a few hours from -
MOTHER: Are there any stops on the way?
BOY: Yes. The first stop is LV.
MOTHER: LV? Where's that?
BOY: Oh, Las Vegas.
FATHER: Las Vegas?!? We're going to Las Vegas??
BOY: Yeah. This is the scenic train that goes out to LV, then we transfer to an area high-speed rail, and -
FATHER: Las Vegas is 200 miles out of our way.
MOTHER: What??
BOY: That was the easiest way to do it. And this scenic ride is so nice and pretty -
MOTHER: So!... Well. When do we get to Vegas?
BOY: Ah... around 10.
FATHER: 10? 10PM at night??
BOY: Yeah.
FATHER: WHAAAT?? You said Anaheim at 2 o'clock!!
BOY: Well... that's 2PM... tomorrow.
BOY: At LV we'll stop at a beautiful historic train depot, and then transfer to a great new high-speed rail - they just built it, it's really REALLY fast - and we'll take that to the monorail hub -
MOTHER: Monorail??
BOY: - Oh the monorail is so cool! And we'll monorail to the 2nd LV train depot, and get the Express number 2476 on track 7 at -


BOY: Where am I? Why is this bridge so foggy?
FATHER: (emerging from mist) ...Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
BOY: Dad?? Is that you?
FATHER: Son? Woo-woo.
BOY: Dad? What are you doing here?
FATHER: I've come to tell you something, son. Chugga-chugga. Something which I believe you're finally ready to hear.
BOY: What do you mean?
FATHER: Chugga chugga. Well, you see, I've never told you before, but... (looks down at feet)
BOY: Oh my god!! Your feet! They're... wheels!!
FATHER: Woo-woo! That's right.
BOY: And they're attached to the... train tracks?
FATHER: Yes. Yes, my son. And that's not all... (looks behind him)
BOY: Is that a pile of glowing goals growing out of your back??? And your hair - is that steam coming from your hair??
FATHER: That's right, son! Chugga-chugga!
BOY: What does this all mean???
FATHER: Well, you see, deep in our family's history... I guess, since we have loved trains so much, trains really became a part of who we are... woo-woo.
BOY: Wow, I never knew! A family of train lovers all the way back!
FATHER: Yes. And the trains, they have... loved us back as well. Given us something of themselves. Given us... the strength of steel! Chugga-chugga! And... the power of steam! Woo-woo!
BOY: I can't believe this! We're part TRAIN??
FATHER: Woo-woo! That's right, son! And that's not all... (looks up) See that full moon? When it appears it... chugga chugga changes us somehow... woo-woo!
BOY: Oh my god what is happening to you?? Your legs are turning into... metal??? Your arms are becoming... steam pistons? Dad, what's happening? -
BOY: ...Dad?
BOY: Aaack! My feet - what?? I can't move! I - wheels! My feet are WHEELS! I - woo-WOO!!
BOY: I can't believe - chugga chugga CHUGGA! Can't believe this is happening! Whoaaaaa woo-woo woo-WOO WOO-WOOOOOO!


MUSICIAN: Hey man, what's up? I'm from down the hall. Heard from my friend you're a big Trane nut.
BOY: Yup, that's right - that's my passion!
MUSICIAN: Sweet, man, me too! I totally dig all Trane's stuff.
BOY: All trains' stuff? Nice! Are you a collector?
MUSICIAN: You bet, man! What about you - what's your favorite?
BOY: Oh. Historically, I guess, like the Orient Express, or the original Shinkansen...
MUSICIAN: Oh, yeah, man, 'Orient Express'? Sure, I'm pretty sure I heard that once. That's one of the older ones, right?
BOY: Yeah. They don't make them like that any more.
MUSICIAN: Right on. There was only one Trane!!
BOY: Yeah, only one Orient Express!
MUSICIAN: Cool. What was that other one you said? Like chicken-sand or...
BOY: Shinkansen?
MUSICIAN: Yeah! Is that... Japanese?
BOY: Of course. It was only in Japan. You know, the Bullet Train?
MUSICIAN: Bullet Trane - that's great! I dig it! Oh man, but that foreign stuff... always so expensive.
BOY: Well, it was expensive at first, but really worth it in the long run.
MUSICIAN: Oh, OK, it's so good it's worth it? I'll definitely check it out.
BOY: Hey, by the way, did you know there's a great train museum right in town?
MUSICIAN: Whaaat?? No WAY! That's sweet!!
BOY: Yeah. It's the largest one in the western United States, in fact. Three floors, hundreds of trains...
MUSICIAN: Hundreds of Tranes? Whoa, like, statues and stuff?
BOY: Yeah, some scale models, and some retired cars.
MUSICIAN: Whoooa man, Trane's cars. That's deep.
BOY: Actually, I was thinking of going tomorrow. You want to come?
MUSICIAN: Oh wow, cool - totally! That'd be great, man!
BOY: I was gonna go at noon.
MUSICIAN: Right on! Hey, you mind if I bring my band along? They're all big Trane fans - I know they'd love it.
BOY: Your band? Uh, sure, why not? OK. So see you around noon?
MUSICIAN: Yeah, awesome! See you then, man! Gonna be sweet!


WOMAN: This has been such a fun time... You're so intelligent, and you know so much about random stuff! Like... monorails and bullet trains and train tracks? That's amazing. I bet you know a lot about everything, don't you? Like politics and history?
BOY: Uh... sure - yeah, sure!
WOMAN: But I have another question. Why have you been keeping your left hand in your pocket this whole time?
BOY: Oh. That, nothing special, just, this -
WOMAN: IS THAT A RING?? Oh my god, are you MARRIED???
BOY: No, no, calm down! I'm not really married, it's just -
WOMAN: Not REALLY married?! What does that mean??
BOY: Look - it's not really a ring, it's actually a miniature train track - can you see it?
WOMAN: What the hell? Really?... Well, would you look at that.
BOY: So, you see... heheh, you might say I'm kind of married to... trains!
WOMAN: ...You're married to trains?
BOY: Yeah, well... it's a long story.


PAUL(INA): Welcome, everyone, to this LGBT community group. We can feel free to talk about anything and everything. So, what about you, young man - what brings you here today?
BOY: Well, I saw the sign on the door, and... I really love LGB trains!
SPIKE: LGB trans?
BOY: No, trains.
SPIKE: You mean, like, LGB trains, like... whoa, like everyone's connected like the Human Centipede or something? I've never thought of that - that's some fucked-up sh -
PAUL(INA): Please, please! Let's try not to judge. ...But I'm sure we're all curious. Do you think you can share with us what it is you love about... 'trains'?
JULI(AN): Squeal! Yes, this sounds so exciting! Tell us!!
BOY: Well, sure. I guess you already know, but with LGB trains, you get the highest gauge scale of anything on the market. And if you appreciate the fine details, like me, then I don't need to tell you that size really does matter.
JULI(AN): I love you already!!
BOY: And for another thing, the connections are so smooth. The cars just couple together like silk.
SPIKE: The 'cars'? Wow. And the person in front, he's the 'conductor,' then?
BOY: Of course. I have all the little people. I have a whole set-up with trees and hills, and snow and...
JULI(AN): Little people in the snow? Ohmygod squeeal!! I've never done it with a little person. You are amaaaazing!! You're just so cute and proper and nobody would never guess you're so ta-wisted!...
BOY: What? Do you guys not like the fake snow?
SPIKE: Hey, if you're shooting pornos, it's fine, but -
BOY: What? Shooting?
SPIKE: Vids, man. Are you filming these 'trains' and shit?
BOY: Well yeah, sometimes I make movies, but just to show my friends and -
JULI(AN): Squeeeal!! Ohmygod I'm gonna die, SHOW ME!!!!!
PAUL(INA): Juli! Now keep in mind, not everyone is as comfortable as you with publically sharing their sexual adventures...
BOY: Sexual adventures?! What are you talking about?
PAUL(INA): Well, I just mean, it does sound a little... (blushing) adventurous.
SPIKE: Yeah, man, I've never heard of 'training' before. That is completely new to me. Congratulations.
BOY: Wait, I think I... I mean, there's nothing weird or sexual about my trains, I just enjoy playing with them.
SPIKE: Now that's a little fucking weird.
PAUL(INA): Please, Spike!! Be gentle. Keep an open mind, remember!
BOY: I mean, just to... say it, this is not a weird sex fetish or something.
JULI(AN): (giggling)
SPIKE: Oh yeah? How much do you 'play' with these LGB 'trains'? Every night?
BOY: Uh... yeah, I guess.
SPIKE: If you don't play with the trains one day, is there something else you can do that makes you feel as good?
BOY: Um... I don't know, maybe... Well, I guess not.
SPIKE: No? Not anything?
BOY: Uh, I guess not. I just... really love trains!
SPIKE: You, my friend, are a fetish addict.
JULI(AN): Hey, do you like ponies too? You know about ponies, right?
BOY: The pony express?
JULI(AN): You know, where you sit on a boy's back and stick a bit his mouth, and then you take a leather whip and shove the handle up his ass and -
BOY: Whoa. Whoa. What are you talking about?? That's so gross! I don't want to hear about that!
PAUL(INA): Hey, calm down. Look, we all listened very politely about your 'train' fetish, and we didn't judge -
JULI(AN): (giggles)
PAUL(INA): - So we just ask the same consideration from you.
BOY: Fetish? Whips? Sex... things? What are you guys TALKING about?
PAUL(INA): This is an LGBT community group. Sex is pretty important to us, and part of a healthy life. It's OK to talk about it.
BOY: Talk about it - what about talking about the TRAINS?? The LGB? The greatest train-maker ever?? Isn't this LGB Trains Center??
PAUL(INA): ...
JULI(AN): ...
SPIKE: LGBT. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender.
BOY: ...
SPIKE: L. G. B. T.
PAUL(INA): ...
BOY: ...I think... I think maybe... I am at the wrong meeting. I'm gonna go.
JULI(AN): And play with your 'trains'? (giggles) Can I come?
BOY: Uh... sorry, no. Um. I like your tattoos though. They're really... nice.
JULI(AN): Squeal! Come back soon!!!

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