June 21, 2013

Papers Recovered From the 2nd Death Star

by Gordon

Hello and Welcome to the

We strive to offer you the freshest, healthiest, tastiest cuisine possible... while staying true to our Lord Vader's call of death to all who resist the Glorious Empire! Don't tell us "I find your lack of options... disturbing!" since all-mineral diet and zablorx-free options are available upon request. Please present any Star of Death coupons to your server before ordering.

~ Seasonal Specials ~

Tender young vegetable shoots that taste just like they were freshly gathered on a distant jungle moon somewhere beyond the reach of the Glorious Empire, where laughter and singing and dancing and anarchy filled the air... do you remember that? DO you? Are you actually considering ordering this? Then prepare to DIE, REBEL SCUM and TRAITOR to the EMPIRE!! (Torture droids have been alerted.)

After our Lord Vader's resounding crushing of the Rebel Alliance stationed on ice planet Hoth, we were lucky enough to secure these caskets of authentic Hoth ice wine. It is sweet and treacly, and the bouquet is rather shallow, but perhaps the thought of a Hoth beverage appeals to you for another reason... for NOSTALGIA?? Were you THERE on HOTH, you TRAITOROUS REBEL DOG??? Oh, you will HAVE your ICE WINE - then you will have YOUR ICE DEATH - blown out the airlock into deep space!!! (Off-duty Storm Troopers have been alerted.)

~ Lunch~

Partially vaporized chunks of tender Wookie meat.

Dear Storm Troopers diners, we all know our Lord Vader has been especially... adamant as of late that you improve your weapons proficiency above the current abysmally low average accuracy. Well, don't be the one in the platoon who gets force-choked! - Try our original blend of low-index carbs, recycled protein (don't ask), and Centaurian spices, specially formulated to give you a faster reaction time and more precise hand-eye coordination.

Back by popular demand.

When you imbibe this homemade concoction, the Star of Death Cafeteria's own house creation, you will begin to feel peaceful, at ease, even sleepy... Your breathing will slow... Your muscles will relax... You will feel open, and honest, and comfortable with saying anything... And you will tell us all you know about the Rebel Alliance. Save yourself a weekly trip to the interrogation chambers, and no needle scars! (25% discount for information leading to the conviction of wanted imperial criminals.)

Feed your own Star Destroyer-class appetite, and simultaneously declare your eternal loyalty to the Glorious Empire, with this patriotic dessert. Just as with the pathetic, misguided and tragically unwise planet of Alderaan, your Death Beam of hunger will utterly destroy this blue-green sphere of lightly-vaporized ice cream and make an example of its fatal folly.

20% gratuity added for parties of 6 or more mouths/feeding openings

(or we will ask Lord Vader to
force-kill you - J/K)
no accidence since last wk.
~ Thanks! 'Darth' Larry & team

This is your Death Star. Please
help keep it clean and beauti-
ful so all can enjoy, thanks you !

Tonight from 20:00 to 23:00 hours, expect widespread tests of our emergency alert and backup power systems. If you see lights fade in and out and/or flicker, please do not call or disturb our Lord Vader (he will already know!).
Star of Death Email servers will be down for scheduled maintenance between tonight at 23:00 and 07:00 tomorrow. Both @starrydeath.com and @battlestation.mil addresses will be affected.

NEW! Salsa Dancing in Torture Room 2!
This week only, Bellurians from a cap-
tured Alliance cruiser are our guests
downstairs. With their legendary grace
and multiple limbs, we expect them to
give us an amazing salsa dance class...
or ELSE. Please, bring extra shoes and
noseplugs for Torture Room 2 (blood
around dance floor).

For cubicle Z1FL4A77OJ89114A. Fully
furnished including clothes, if wanted.
Must have high job rating (last room-
mate botched radar tracking job for our

Need a patient private teacher for
Johnny, 5y.o. Has anger issues and
tortures service droids but excels in
current Little Trooper classes incl-
uding hand-to-hand and interrogat-
ion tech. Good kid. 545P4LIX8x44

Have you seen THIS TROOPER?
     Carnell has been missing since last early week. He may have been at 'Death From the Skies' Cantina on C Block, where he's a regular - did you see him there? Family is very worried - not like him at all.
     We know all the uniforms look alike - but if you look closely there's a diagonal blaster scar on lower left front of helmet, short line from dagger glance on right chestplate. If you hear him talk, speaker has a little rasp to it, voice is kind and gentle and immediately recognizable...
     Please holo-dial with any info!! XOXO

FROM: "Sub-Chief of Engineering S. Holland" <sholl@battlestation.mil>
TO: "Chief Operating Officer V. Zurthev" <vzurt@battlestation.mil>
SUBJECT: Review of access tunnels, again

Chief Officer Zurthev:

As requested by my Engineering Chief, I recently completed the monthly review of access tunnels and spaces. Once again, as in last month's report, the main point I must make is that the equatorial access tunnels, which as you read are accessible from space and cross through the middle of the Death Star, including the power core, are a distinct security liability.

For a tunnel that is maintained only by small automated service droids and ships, there is no need for such excessive space throughout (TIE fighters could fit in there!). In addition, since all service ships are internal, there's really no good reason for the tunnels to open out into space. Should, Lord Vader forbid, a stray asteroid become trapped in our gravitational field, and happen to fall directly into one of the access tunnels, all the way to the power core, just imagine the catastrophic damage that could be done!

I'm sure we both agree this needs to be addressed immediately. Please advise the Engineering Chief as to your wishes.

- S. Holland

P.S. I'm also sure I don't need to add that it was EXACTLY this kind of glaringly obvious vulnerability that lead to the entirely avoidable destruction of the first Death Star (all those souls rest in peace).

PLEASE THINK BEFORE PRINTING. We just destroyed two hundred forest planets (with rebel sympathies) that were the Glorious Empire's main source of paper. Remember, this is your Empire. Help keep it clean and beautiful!

FROM: "Sub-Chief of Engineering S. Holland" <sholl@battlestation.mil>
TO: "Star of Death Cafeteria Chef L. Holland" <lululavender@starrydeath.com>
SUBJECT: aaargh, can't believe it!!

hi honey,

hope your day is going well! any exciting arrests in the cafe today? what happened to the suspected rebel scum from brunch last weekend?

anyway, as usual, zurty is just driving me CRAZY. how is such a man COO of a freaking BATTLE STATION?? i've told him for three months in a row - while we are out there blowing up planets, while our friends like jay and brombelzor are out on away missions destroying rebel strongholds, it's freaking RIDICULOUS that we're sitting pretty in this supposed "invincible" great battle station, but a stray rock falling in just the right place would blow this place sky high!!!

i mean, seriously?? access tunnels that go right from the power core directly to space, big enough for ships to navigate? what assclown designed this bullshit??

well sorry, it's been a rough day. anyway, see you tonight.

- steve

PLEASE THINK BEFORE PRINTING. We just destroyed two hundred forest planets (with rebel sympathies) that were the Glorious Empire's main source of paper. Remember, this is your Empire. Help keep it clean and beautiful!

FROM: "Star of Death Cafeteria Chef L. Holland" <lululavender@starrydeath.com>
TO: "Sub-Chief of Engineering S. Holland" <sholl@battlestation.mil>
SUBJECT: RE: aaargh, can't believe it!!

Dear, calm down and keep it together. You KNOW someone is reading your report and eventually will take it seriously. The empire isn't held together by nincompoops. I mean, they did hire folks like YOU :) (Well, draft them into service under threat of death, but you know what I mean...) And I hope you didn't mention the first Death Star again?? Anyway, I did see some notice about email being messed up again, so also maybe Zurty didn't read your report yet.
Oh BTW saw a flier for SALSA DANCING tonight in the sublevels!! Torture Room 2 I think. PLEASE tell me you're off by 20:00?? If we can make it, please also pick up another pair of shoes for me from Death Fashion in D block on your way home. I need a spare pair. Must be RED.
Love, Lulu

PLEASE THINK BEFORE PRINTING. Seriously, people. Are you never reading this?? It's not like the Empire is infinite. We NEED to be RECYCLING!! And we've heard rumors from upstairs that we may go all-digital, paper-free next cycle... Bigger and better things coming soon, people! Better get used to it now.


  1. I'll have the pizza, please.

    1. Right away! That would be the Frim Fram Pizza with the Ussin-Fay!
      Do you want the Shafafa on the side?