June 19, 2013

Just Another Subway Ride (As Dreamt By an MTA Employee)

by Gordon

(Anyone know the photographer??)

CONDUCTOR: This is a Brooklyn-bound L train. Because of no construction, track maintenance, signal malfunction, or disruption, it will be making all scheduled stops. Next stop... Bedford Avenue.
GIRL: (Exiting) Oh, excuse me.
MAN: (Stepping aside) No, excuse me! Please exit the train before I get on. I find it's logical and much easier for everyone that way.
TANNOY: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
BOY NOT RUNNING OUTSIDE TRAIN: Oh, don't hold the doors; I'll catch the next one.
(Train moves)
MAN: (Standing up) Oh, miss? Would you like to sit down?
WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: No problem. I would happily give up my seat to a pregnant senior citizen war veteran quadriplegic any day! ...Wait? What am I talking about? Even though it's rush hour, there are plenty of small but comfortable seats still available in this car. I'll sit back down.
GIRL: Pardon me, would you mind if I took this seat in the middle of you two?
CLEAN-SMELLING GENTLEMEN OF AVERAGE SIZE: (Shifting stone statue of Buddha from seat to lap) Of course not.
CONDUCTOR: Attention. Because of construction, this train will not stop at Bedford Avenue.
HIPSTER: Good thing I brought my bicycle. ...My compact bicycle that doesn't take up any extra room on this train!
CONDUCTOR: Attention. Because of an earlier incident, trains will not stop at Lorimer Street in both directions.
LADY: That's OK. I have nowhere to be at any certain time. I'm sure I can find another way to transfer to the G line and eventually see my family again.
CONDUCTOR: Attention. Because of a signal malfunction, this train will begin running forward three stations, followed by backward two stations. We apologize for any inconvenience.
MAN: I'm glad I left four hours early just in case. Good thing I do that every time I ride the subway.
CONDUCTOR: This is... Graham Avenue. This is the final stop. Everyone please exit the train.
WOMAN: Excuse me.
BOY: Pardon me.
STATION ATTENDANT: The next Rockaway Parkway-bound train will depart in approximately... eighty... six... minutes. Please stand clear of the platform edge.
GIRL: I don't mind waiting here at all. It is so comfortable with these plentiful and clean rat-free benches and good air circulation and conditioning.
STATION ATTENDANT: Because of a disruption at Grand Avenue, trains will be skipping this station in both directions. As a travel alternative, please transfer to free shuttle buses upstairs.
(Everyone exits)
MAN: I'm sorry - you first.
LADY: No, please - you first.
TOURIST: Should I be walking up or down these stairs? I will stop and get out my map.
MAN ON STAIR BELOW: It's quite all right - take your time.
770 PASSENGERS EXITING STATION: It is entirely reasonable for us to fit on a bus.
2880 PASSENGERS WAITING AT BUS STOP: Please join us. There is room here under this bus stop.
770 PASSENGERS EXITING STATION: That is good, for this rain and wind is severe.
2880 PASSENGERS WAITING AT BUS STOP: The last bus left a mere 23 minutes ago. We are certain more will be arriving promptly.
(Two hours later, on next bus)
DRIVER: Fzzzk krackle krackle grrbzn STREET krrrzt zzt NOT STOP shizzle fizzle bzzt STRAWBERRIES.
TOURIST: I beg your pardon, but what did he just say?
MAN: I believe he said this bus is driving on a street and will not stop unless strawberries.
TOURIST: Thank you - that is easy for me to understand.
MAN: Welcome to New York.

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