November 19, 2017

Justice Fatigue

Deleted Scenes and Should-Be-Deleted Scenes from Justice League


[Queen Hippolyta and the Amazons work on a construction project.]
MENALIPPE: My queen, the chamber shall be completed as scheduled. Only…
MENALIPPE: Do you not think the Mother Box would be safer inside a, a fortress, instead of a round theatre?
HIPPOLYTA: It shall suffice.
VENELIA: My queen, or what about in a vault deep underground?
HIPPOLYTA: No, no, this circular room is best. With the Mother Box on this central pedestal, we can keep arrows aimed at it from all angles.
VENELIA: If we’re in a circle, all pointing arrows at the center…won’t we be shooting each other?
MENALIPPE: My queen, also, about the plan to not have doors…
HIPPOLYTA: You mean heavy stone walls which will drop once their support logs are smashed with hammers?
MENALIPPE: Yes. Are you sure you just don’t want to use hinges? On big metal doors…maybe attached to a fortress?
HIPPOLYTA: This is the only way.

*   *   *

[Watching the Batcave monitors]
ALFRED: It appears the parademons feed on fear.
BATMAN: Wait, Alfred! That picture…zoom in. Behind all the drones. Right…there!
ALFRED: Dear lord, is that—
BATMAN: Yes, it’s the Scarecrow!
ALFRED: And the evil clown from It!

*   *   *

[Aquaman slams his quindent down into the floor, blocking the wall of water rushing down the tunnel towards them.]
BATMAN: Luckily, we have Aquaman on our side. He can make water talk to fish. He has water under total control.
[Aquaman gets washed away]
*   *   *

[Aboard the Batplane]
BATMAN: We just have to make it through the night.
WONDER WOMAN: Get through tonight’s giant battle, that will start soon?
BATMAN: Yup. Want a large glass of whiskey?
WONDER WOMAN: Shouldn’t we be preparing for the war, or at least staying sober for it?
BATMAN: Ehhhh. I’m wearing an animal suit with ears and about to punch aliens.

*   *   *

[In the Batcave]
BATMAN: How much time do we have?
ALFRED: Two hours!
BATMAN: My plane can’t go that fast.
CYBORG: It can if I’M driving.
[The Batplane, not designed for supersonic flight, loses structural integrity above the Atlantic Ocean and breaks into 47 pieces]
CYBORG: …Recalculating.

*   *   *

[A truckful of people flee the growing alien vines. The Flash grabs hold of the truck.]
THE FLASH: Hold on!
[The Flash zooms the truck out of harm’s way.]
SUPERMAN: I can one-up you! I’m gonna pick up this entire building full of people with my bare hands and fly it to safety…
[Superman picks up the long building from the center and lifts it into the air. Since the foundation is designed to support weight evenly and not at a single point, it buckles. The ends of the building crumble downwards, shearing the entire structure into fragments. Glass and mortar and people fall from the sky.]
THE FLASH: You win.

*   *   *

[The League relaxes on a cliff, looking down as strange and beautiful blue flowers sprout from the alien vines that blanket the town below.]
SUPERMAN: I’m glad I got to see this.
BATMAN: You know this used to be people’s homes, right? A town?
CYBORG: I was worried the alien vines were going to usher in a nightmarish hellscape world, like the one on which the oddly Germanically-named Steppenwolf grew up.
BATMAN: No. He just hated flowers. He was…so evil.
THE FLASH: I want alien flowers! Oh look, that little girl is picking some. How cute—
CYBORG: Wait, don’t touch that—we don’t know if it’s—
[The girl, poisoned by unidentifiable and incurable extraterrestrial toxins, collapses and dies immediately.]
BATMAN: Dammit.

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