October 30, 2016

How to Mess With Kids: Halloween Edition

aka How to Seriously Traumatize Children For Life
aka Why I’m Never Allowed to Have Children, Ever

~ dedicated to the child upstairs who never stops running and jumping ~

Warning: scary photos below!

Wear an only moderately scary face mask. When you happen upon a child who seems scared of it, say “Don’t worry, don’t worry,” in soothing tones, “it’s just a mask. See?” Take it off and show them this underneath:

@_jessbel_ on Instagram

On a warmer Halloween, say to a little one preparing to don a mask, “Hey, you know what I heard about warm Halloweens? I heard a few years ago, a bunch of cheap masks turned up at local stores. There were all sorts of designs, like your mask [point at the kid’s mask], and different colors, including this one [point]. But the reason they were cheap was that they were made with a strange chemical. That Halloween, when the children wore the masks, they sweated inside them, and the sweat reacted with the chemical, and at the end of the night, when they tried to take off their masks, they COULDN’T. The masks had been GLUED to their faces. They panicked, and in trying to remove the masks, some kids even ripped the skin off their faces. It was horrible. …I just hope there aren’t any more of those masks floating around. Why, that chemical might even react to the water in your breath…”

Bonus points: show the costume in #1 to the kid in #2.

“You know, Halloween is when ghosts and other spirits can return for just one night. Most of them you can’t see, of course, but you know those kids you see dressed as mummies, completely covered in bandages? [Whisper] Those are the ghosts of dead kids, who have returned tonight to go trick-or-treating.”

The empty bandages left after the ghost of a dead child disappears again after Halloween.
@tinkerplink on Instagram

“You know that some of these adults out here, and some of the kids, too, aren’t really people. Some are demons wearing a costume to hide their real appearance. They might be silent, or they might use the voice of a child to say only ‘trick or treat.’ But if they get to a dark cul-de-sac, or a doorway without a strong light, and it’s just them and one kid there, why…they’ll snatch the child away so fast, no one will notice when they disappear. But if you know what you’re looking for, you can spot these demons: look at the shoes. The shoes of those evil things are always red, because no matter what color they used to be, they’ve been stained by blood so many times they can’t clean the color away.”

Bonus points if you wear red shoes while saying this, and more if you can get everyone else in your group, except the one child listening, to do so.

@amysbeesknees on Instagram

If you live near woods or hills: “You’ve heard about the cannibals in the hills, right? They’re people who got lost in the woods, and just got stuck there and lived there forever. They went crazy and they forgot how to talk, and they never have enough food, so they eat HUMAN meat—that’s right, all of them, even their children do. Now most of the time they eat the meat of dead people—they go to cemeteries and steal the bodies, and we just look the other way. But on Halloween, the cannibals dress up their cannibal children in little costumes, and send them to the towns to go trick-or-treating. Their children are used to eating human meat, but the candy is free, and it keeps them from being too hungry. Why, they could show up right next to you at some house, and you wouldn’t even know it. But you just have to watch out…if you get to a house with only a little candy left, or with NO candy, the cannibal children stopping there might get just a little TOO hungry!…”

Run away from this. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back.
@santavb on Instagram

After the kids return home from trick-or-treating: “On Halloween, there are millions of kids all over the country eating tons of candy. Halloween night, many of those kids lose their teeth—because of sticky candy, crunching on hard candy, and also from just eating all that sugar! But get this: so many children lose their teeth that the tooth fairy can’t possibly keep up. She can’t keep track of who lost teeth and who didn’t, and who she has to visit. And if she visits a kid, she has to take teeth, no matter what. So here’s what she does on Halloween: she makes a big list of all the kids who ate more than 3 pieces of candy that night, and comes late at night to visit just those kids. If they have teeth under their pillows, she takes those. If not, well…she has to take some teeth from their mouth…”

Oh, and by the way, the tooth fairy really looks like this:

@loubellabeauty on Instagram

“Do you know what doppelgangers are? Doppelgangers are…things [shudder here] that look exactly like people you know, even sound like them, wear the same clothes…but they’re definitely NOT the people you know—they’re completely evil. Doppelgangers come out on Halloween. You might meet them in the street, trick-or-treating, and think they’re your friend. But if you look closely, and pay attention, you will notice the doppelganger is the exact mirror image of your friend. Everything is flipped left and right: clothing, hair, which hand they use. Almost everyone’s right-handed, so that’s a big giveaway. Like your friend takes candy with his left hand, and tries to shake hands with you using his LEFT hand…that means IT’S NOT YOUR FRIEND. You gotta watch out tonight.”

Later, go to the bathroom, switch the side of the part in your hair, your watch/bracelet/etc., and when you see the kid again, do everything left-handed.

@ducksaucy21 on Instagram

Say to children with jack-o-lanterns on their porch: “You know, when you carve a pumpkin, if you listen very very closely—so closely that everything is silent, and you don’t even breathe—then you can hear the pumpkin very faintly but definitely scream when you cut it. That’s because pumpkins are alive. It’s kind of terrible that we cut a hole through them, reach our hand inside, and tear out everything in there. It never stops screaming when we stab its face with a knife and carve things into it. No, it’s not very nice…not very nice at all. Imagine if a giant pumpkin caught you and took you away, cut a hole in the top of your head, ripped out your brains and made them into a pie and ate it, stabbed holes into your face where your eyes and nose and mouth used to be, cut off your head, put a candle inside it, and set it on the front steps.”

@robbkm on Instagram @my_meepmorp on Instagram

Happy Halloween, everyone! MwahahahahahahahahaHAHA

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