May 14, 2015

The Most Interesting InstaGirl (N)Ever

ShopInstall may be the most interesting girl ever on Instagram, with 74 official hobbies, including cryptography, ghost-hunting, and balancing rocks (and you thought YOU were interesting).

How, and why, do I know this?

It began, as so many things do, with a simple question: what do young people do for fun nowadays? Let’s look up my most recent followers on Instagram and check out what they’re talking about.

It’s great to see mahjong making a comeback among the younger generation. And young women are playing flag football!—though it’s a complicated relationship, apparently. Plus geeky science hobbies like collecting elements…wow.

Huh. I never would have guessed it, but elements/minerals/rocks are really hot right now. Folks are even sharing their soundtracks for collecting sea rocks. I think I feel old.

Then I began to discover hobbies I didn’t even suspect existed.

Whoa! People bundle up and traipse through wintry forests just to spot trains going by? That actually sounds pretty cool!—I’d try it. Though…I think going somewhere warmer without gloves would be better for documenting fingers, whatever that is.

Wait, what? Is this a thing?

NEW MICROSCOPY FRESHMAN: So, when do I get to use the 20X lens for—
MICROSCOPY SENIOR: Heeey bruh, don’t sweat it, you got to enjoy life, like my shirt says, ya dig?
MICROSCOPY CATWOMAN: Studying microscopy IS life!! Get wild! Meoooow!
NEW MICROSCOPY FRESHMAN: Uhh, so do I need a slide cover for—
MICROSCOPY SENIOR: Bruh, my shirt really says Enjoy Studying Microscopy!
NEW MICROSCOPY FRESHMAN: OK, yeah, I do enjoy learning about—

Who knew?

Foraging for shrooms, I’m guessing? Kids be gettin’ cray-cray!

But this was just the beginning.

Taekwondo and ghost hunting? That’s insane! Would Taekwondo even WORK against ghosts?

And then there’s the newest hobby everyone’s crazy about.

You’re learning to what now?

Apparently, balancing rocks is so captivating that even at a fancy party…

And then there’s this girl…

Really? You’re hanging with freaking PIRATES and all you can think about is balancing rocks!? It’s walking the plank for you—balance on THAT!

Poor Life Decisions

As I looked through more profiles, I began to notice distinct groups within these insta-people. Not only were there the girls who partied hard for obscure pasttimes like microscopy or minerals, but there were also those poor souls who, just maybe, took a wrong turn somewhere in the course of choosing hobbies.

Are you…standing on your sand art? Did you just stomp on your sandcastle? Or is this entire garden somehow… are those flowers MADE OUT OF SAND??

And hey, what happened to thinking about balancing rocks all the time? Did the pirates get too angry?

While it’s not good to judge anyone based solely on their clothing, I think it’s pretty objective to say that wearing a gigantic target-shaped eyeball on your chest, a big bow clearly marking your head, no armor, and also singing instead of hiding is a TERRIBLE plan for paintballing.

Also to file under the category of “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”…drunk mountaineering.

On second thought, however, I wonder if any historic first climbs were inspired by heavy drinking.

BEFORE DRINKING: Climb Mt. Everest, the tallest mountain in the world, which no one’s ever climbed and survived? Do you have a death wish?
AFTER DRINKING: Erevest Mountains? Fuck yeeeah!!! I gotta pee first.

Accidental Hobbies

I also found the group of insta-people who, rather than take up hobbies, seem to be taken up by hobbies. Sometimes they have a healthy sense of humor about it.

Yes, raising boys can be hard on Moms!

If the threat of heart disease isn’t inspiration enough to jog, try a small cute dog that will chase and try to eat you.

So is that what the youngsters are calling it these days?

(…in my mouth!) Small Cute Hangry Dog is also a fan.

Of course, there are other…pet…phrases, depending on your preferences.

Come on, he’s not that much older than you! And if he were, could we call it ‘carbon dating’? Harrr.

Quite Interesting People

The more I explored these snapshots, these digital slices of the day-to-day lives of strangers, the more I considered: for every Taekwondo Expert Ghost Hunter out there, there’s an interesting life story. What would it be like to meet some of these insta-people IRL (in real life)? There are folks out there like:

On the insta-scene, it seems there’s a friend, a partner, a lover, for everyone (except those seeking men, apparently). But of course there are also those of less common ilk:

Martian Surveyor? Or is ‘Surveyor’ a book, or a kind of aircraft? If it’s the first or last, Faith can help you with the maintenance and mechanical engineering.

These folks, however, are only the beginning. Who were the MOST interesting insta-people I came across? Well…first, meet Dana Hong.

InstaGirl #1: Dana Hong

Dana seems awfully normal compared to the folks above. So what’s in her fitness journal?

Hanging around being fit with fellow feline enthusiasts.

Hmmm, I suppose rain can create #expensive problems, like needing to catch a cab home from the gym?

Is Dana saying that this kid, maybe her son, is her #classmate in the School of Life? Or maybe that they’re in the middle of an aerobics class together—cuz, fitness journal and all?

So, when boxing for fitness…the ideal diet is sushi, I guess?

OK, so: drumming…for your upper-body workout, at sunset…for part of a daily fitness regimen, uh wait…in your car?? Ummm…you lost me.

Uhhh…nope. Sorry, no clue.

Dana Hong is so mysterious.

InstaGirl #2: ShopInstall

We already know ShopInstall loves/hates flag football, and collects sea rocks while listening to music in Spanish. And now from her profile, we see the interest in writing and antique(s), and desire to become a welder—quite a spread! But this is just the tip of iceberg, folks.

Imagine meeting ShopInstall over coffee. You say you’re into tennis and stamp collecting, and then nonchalantly ask her, “So what are you into?” Here’s what she tells you, and what her OKCupid profile would look like:

Things I’ll do until I die: making jewelry, studying astronomy!!!

I’m constantly thinking about: soapmaking, balancing rocks!!!

All I do is: macrame, crochet and spot trains!!

I have a love/hate relationship with: playing flag football, kayaking, playing ice hockey!

Things I’m always practicing: roller-skating and weightlifting, carving wood and woodworking!!!

Life to me is: cooking and metal-detecting, shooting sport and lapidarying

What I think can’t be beat: collecting records, flying and writing creatively, cheerleading!

Things I think are wonderful: collecting comic books, competing in taekwondo and hunting ghosts, playing disc golf!!

Things I think are amazing: shooting, playing laser tag, flying and breakdancing, traveling!!!

Things I think are incredible: ice-skating and collecting art, rock-climbing and folding origami, gardening, making candles and backpacking

Things I love to do: quilting, embroider, shoot, amateur-radio, boxing, scuba-dive, compete in motor sports!!

I do a ton of: amateur-radio, lapidarying, playing frisbee and collecting seasheels, collecting antiquities and playing squash, fishkeeping, handballing!

I’m learning/training to: cycle and play squash, complete puzzles, hunt for mushrooms, do gymnastics and run, study geology and scuba-dive, play bridge, cryptograph!!

My hobbies: cosplaying and building models, collecting sea rocks, base-jumping and golfing, poloing and playing badminton, programing computers, spoting aircrafts, playing field hockey

Holy CRAP do you do EVERYTHING?? This is clearly the most interesting insta-girl (n)ever! Soapmaking, but also base-jumping!? Macrame, but also computer programming!?

Further fascinating is the suggestion that ShopInstall somehow manages to do pairs of these activities at the same time: roller-skating and weightlifting, cooking and metal-detecting (getting enough iron in your diet?), flying and writing creatively, flying and breakdancing (?), ice-skating and collecting art (ice sculptures?), rock-climbing and folding origami, making candles and backpacking. Plus, she may be doing all this while raising a child.

If you compile all her insta-captions and size them by frequency, here is all of what ShopInstall is into:

And you thought you were busy. 

InstaGirl #3: PracticalStayed2003

How can you follow that? Well, this 3rd young insta-lady has the dubious distinction of being the only insta-person among all those listed here with an active instagram account (read: surviving) at the time of this posting. She’s the kayaking optician survivor! Meet…PracticalStayed2003.


Well, that’s one possible weight-loss plan.


Sigh. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make yourself feel better…except PIGEON-RACING fuck yeah!!

When pigeon racing just doesn’t cut it, at least there’s dressing up like an Elf Wizard and giving zero fucks.

If she tells you to back off, I’d listen.

Does she really need you now, or is she just acting again?

There may have been some accidents involving archery. For her health and safety, I think PracticalStayed should become friends with DocumentingFingers:


So, in the whole wide insta-world, who is The Most Interesting Insta-Person?

In the end, I think it depends on you. If you’re into martial arts slumber parties, there’s an insta-friend for you. If you can’t get enough of knitting while beekeeping in shorts, an insta-girl is waiting for your follow. Love to breakdance while programming computers until you die? Someone’s there for you. Crazy about one or more of 74 random-ass hobbies? Get in line to meet ShopInstall.

There’s someone for everyone, and that’s a beautiful thing.

Here are a few more beautiful things.


No, you’re learning to collect chickens. Try again.

No comments:

Post a Comment