March 31, 2013

How to Mess With Kids on Easter

The Easter Bunny's seen better days.
by Gordon (portions originally published 2012)

1) If you have a dog that destroys his toys: buy a stuffed animal white rabbit. Early Easter morning, bring your dog out to the back porch, give him the rabbit and allow him to rip it to shreds, scattering bits of fur and fluff far and wide. Maybe take a wicker basket and step on it and throw it nearby; break a few eggs on the ground. When the kids wake up, wonder aloud why there are no Easter baskets to be seen yet. Let the dog in and say, "Hey boy, what's that you got there? What's that piece of white fur in your mou - oh no. Oh NO. WHAT DID YOU DO???? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE EASTER BUNNY??? Oh no, kids, whatever you do, do NOT LOOK IN THE BACKYARD!!!"

2) Corner some children at a small egg hunt: "OK, kids, make sure you find all 446 eggs!"
An hour later, say "Still not yet? Oh boy... it's gonna be a lot harder to find them once it gets dark. And it's gonna be so cold, and raining... Come on, hurry up!"

3) Give the kids Easter baskets filled with chocolate bunnies. Late in the day, after most have been eaten, tell them, "Oh yeah, I forget to tell you the good news! You DO know the story of the Easter Bunny and the Evil Witch, don't you? You don't? Well, you see, long ago, an Evil Witch cast an evil spell on the Easter Bunny, and turned all his cute little baby bunny children into chocolate. The Easter Bunny was so so sad. You wouldn't want to be made out of chocolate, right? So the Easter Bunny gave his baby bunnies to little boys and girls all over the world, so they would keep his babies safe from the Evil Witch, who wanted to EAT the babies! But the good news is that this year, the Easter Bunny found a magic spell that will turn his chocolate babies back into REAL BABY BUNNIES! We can rescue them!! Quick, where are the chocolate bunnies? Did you keep them safe?"

4) The day before Easter, tell the kids, "you know, one Easter, when I was your age, something really weird happened: some people found these green eggs, and they must have been POISON, or maybe ALIEN eggs, because when people ate them, they died, and then came back to life as zombies! They ate their own families - it was horrible. Nobody talks about that any more." Later, leave play a zombie movie playing on the TV. Easter morning, take the kids to church to hear about Jesus rising, and whisper to them "He ate the alien eggs!" When you return home, say you're so hungry you just can't help it, pull a bowl of green eggs from the fridge, and eat one.

5) Using a small spade, carve out some large footprints in the backyard, shaping them to include long sharp claws. Have the prints begin under the window of one of the kids' bedrooms (open the window a crack and smear some dirt on its ledge), and lead to the back porch, where you leave the Easter basket. In the morning, say to the kids, "Boy, look at these footprints - this Easter Bunny must be like a big mean Tyrannosaurus! Like a MONSTER bunny! Well, let's have some detective fun... I wonder where the monster bunny hides at night? Let's follow these tracks...."

6) Explain to kids how eggs work: there's a little baby animal sleeping inside the egg. When it gets warm, it breaks the shell, and comes out. Then it eats and drinks whatever is nearby, and grows bigger and bigger, until it's full-size. Say to them, "Easter eggs? Oh yeah, those are just for decoration. You NEVER want to EAT an egg. If you do, the egg will get warm in your tummy, and the baby chicken will come out. Then it will eat your tummy from the inside out and grow into a full-size chicken INSIDE YOUR BODY!!!"

7) Explain to kids that having an Easter Egg hunt is actually really mean to the Easter Bunny. "I mean, we're hunting for the bunny's eggs, and when we find them, we're gonna cook them in boiling hot water and then EAT them - and those eggs are his babies! We're boiling his babies and eating them!! Isn't that horrible? I just hope the Easter Bunny and his other giant bunny friends never have a CHILDREN HUNT, where they hunt for human children and then put them in boiling water and eat them. I hope we never ever hear that sound of giant bunnies hopping closer and closer to have a Children Hunt. You should watch out and listen carefully, especially on Easter night." After the kids are in bed, invite a few friends over, go to the second floor, and stomp around directly above the kids' bedrooms.

Happy Easter!

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